Dear Eric: I’m not sure what to do about my deceased father’s best friend. My father’s friend is currently 86 years old. I had hoped that he could fill me in on who my father was. My father was barely in my life; he left my brother and me with a horribly abusive mother.
Well, this gentleman, “Hank,” will take anything that I say and one-up me. When it comes to his health, he won’t stop talking about it. I was talking during my birthday and had made a comment about my night out the day before. He looked out the window with a weird, mean look and said, “Oh, look, birds.”
It goes on and on. It’s not dementia; he has a very good memory.
He asks if he already told me a story, I’ll say yes, and he still tells me! From the beginning. I don’t want him in my life anymore. I don’t want to hurt him, though. Any advice? I might add he was an only child of a wealthy family who doted on him. Never married, no kids, no anyone, really.
— Friend of My Father
Dear Friend of My Father: I’m a little unclear whether you feel you’ve “inherited” your father’s best friend or if you cultivated the relationship with an expectation that Hank hasn’t met. Either way, it does seem like you’re not getting what you’d hoped (and, perhaps, neither is Hank.)
So, it’ll be healthy to rethink how your relationship works. What does Hank need from you? What do you need from him? What can you reasonably provide? What can he reasonably provide? Looking at the facts, rather than what was hoped for, may help you see the next steps more clearly.
If, for instance, you feel a sense of obligation to provide Hank company, you might find that that’s not quite what Hank is looking for.
At the core of all of this is your desire to maintain a connection to your father, which makes a lot of sense. You may find, however, that staying as close to Hank as you are is doing the opposite.
Here’s another tactic: Ask him to write down a list of memories he has about your father. You might even provide him with a written list of questions. If he’s not a big writer, you might try recording him. But see if you can get the list or written Q&A first, as it is less likely to devolve into stories you’ve already heard.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
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