Dear Eric: I have been recently looking over my canceled checks and realizing how many are the result of personal requests from friends and family to support runs, walks, book fairs, swims, and also favorite charities via obituaries that state “no flowers.”
Now, in more and more cases, I have received nothing from the family. I feel they are asking for a donation to a charity or organization of their choice, not one I am interested in. This leaves less for me to donate to organizations that I support.
Is there any way to politely ask a family member if they were notified that I donated to the charity of their choice?
I am doing this because I want the family to know I cared for their loved one and want them to know I am thinking of them. A pre-printed thank you, phone call, or email would be OK; I know this is a sad and stressful time.
I have often sent food via a reputable company such as Harry & David and also noted in a sympathy card a specific charity when the obituary just says something like “donations to the local food bank,” I’ve included the name of the local food bank I supported. Ideas and suggestions appreciated.
—Acknowledgements
Dear Acknowledgements:
Your tactic of noting your donation in a card is a good start, probably the best start. When people ask for donations in lieu of flowers or other sentiments, it’s often done as a way of giving those who care an option for paying that care forward. If you’re concerned that the donation didn’t go through, of course, you can always ask. But sometimes it’s best to just let a kindness be a kindness. The thought is what counts.
I often write that thank you notes are not a lost art. Acknowledgement is more than a courtesy. However, as you mentioned, this particular social grace can sometimes get lost in the tumult of grief and post-death duties. Best to not take it personally.
If you’re feeling overextended with donations for fundraisers and bereavements, make a budget for those expenses. If you spend through that budget, just send a card—whether it’s one of encouragement for a fun run or sympathy. Or even a text, in the case of some fundraisers. This budget would allow you to devote more money to the charities that are closest to your heart.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
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