Asking Eric: Handling a crowded flight with a large passenger

Dear Eric: On a recent crowded cross-country flight with no empty seats, I was between my girlfriend to my right and, at the window, a very large man (300 pounds, I’d guess) whose arms and legs took up at least a quarter of my tight space. He said nothing by way of acknowledging his size or apologizing if he was spreading into my assigned area. I didn’t say anything either—and what could I have said?

What’s the etiquette here? Should I have asked the flight attendant for help? Requested a partial refund? I truly felt like there are some people who are simply occupying too much space in the world, but of course it’s rude to say so. Is this something one just has to tolerate if one expects that sooner or later someone for some reason may find me equally annoying? I was inwardly fuming the whole five-hour trip.

—Flying and fuming

Dear Flying: You should have called over the flight attendant and said, “I seem to think I’m the only person in the world. Could you help disabuse me of this notion?” It is perfectly acceptable to ask someone—regardless of their size—to mind the divisions in airline seats, especially if you’re in the middle. But, when you start policing other people’s bodies, which is what’s going on in your letter, you make having “the wrong body” a crime. Those quotation marks are locked in place because the definition of “the wrong body” is a slippery slope.

The other passenger didn’t owe you an apology for being. If he was spreading into your area, a simple conversation could have diffused your fuming and reaffirmed your shared humanity. You don’t exist in a vacuum, even when sealed in a metal tube that’s hurtling through the air.

Moreover, no one is “occupying too much space in the world.” If you don’t want to be bothered by the burden of existing with other humans, next time buy a second seat, or the whole row.

Dear Eric: In a recent column you wrote, “Sometimes, when our opinions about people change, any little thing they do can become a point of annoyance.” OK, I get it. And yes, it has happened to me. So, how do we deal with that emotional response? Is it maturity? Is it to expand our nature to tolerate?

—Feeling guilty

Dear Feeling Guilty: Acceptance—of ourselves and others—is a good first step. Accept that you feel annoyed by a person. You have feelings and you’re allowed to feel them. And accept that they are who they are and they’re under no obligation to change to fit your mood. I find that empathy often follows. When we stop seeing other people as obstacles to our own happiness and start to see them as fellow travelers, we open the door to a deeper understanding of why they’re acting the way they act or how they see the world and we can experience empathy instead of annoyance. Does this mean that you’re going to like it? No indeedy-do. But this thought process can help put others’ behavior in context.

(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)

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