Dear Annie: “Unacknowledged Grief” was hurt over not receiving cards, calls, etc., following the death of a loved one. I understand this very well, having had exactly the same experience. When our son died in an accident in 2006, we heard from exactly one of his friends, and none of ours. Losing our son was bad enough, but we were crushed that no one seemed to care. Then, when I lost my sister in a car wreck four years later, I heard from one of her friends and none of mine.
We have a lot of friends, as did my sister, and it was hard to accept that virtually none of them contacted us. But all this happened several years ago, and I have had a lot of time to digest it. I have come to the conclusion that it is not a lack of compassion that keeps people from expressing sympathy over the death of a loved one, but rather not knowing what to say or how to say it.
In the years that followed our losses, we have received many acts of kindness and many words of sympathy and support. It seems that after some amount of time passes, people become more comfortable with talking about our loss. It seems strange, but at the time somehow others were more afraid of talking about our losses than we were, the ones who actually suffered the losses. Death makes people uncomfortable, and people deal with it in their own way. We never know exactly how others process personal losses, and facing this uncertainty, we do nothing, afraid we might say or do the wrong thing. Coming to understand this has helped us process not only our losses but also people’s reaction to them.
—Reader
Dear Reader: I’m really impressed by the perspective you have on this and by the compassion you’ve been able to extend to others. Your letter is a reminder to all of us that it’s important to reach out to those who are grieving, even when we don’t have the right words to say or when we feel uncomfortable or when we fear it’s too late. Even an “I’m sorry; I’m here for you,” can make a difference.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
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