Dear Eric: My sister won’t come home for the holidays. She’s not estranged from me or our parents. But she moved across the country about 15 years ago, started a family, and seemingly never looked back. We’re not close but we’re not distant, if that makes sense. I asked her one time, two years ago, to come home for a holiday with her wife and kids. And she did. It was fine, but she got annoyed with our parents and then I got annoyed with her. One of her kid’s diabetes was all out of whack. It was a lot. She was there for all of 24 hours.
But I still want her around. She’s my sister. We’re both in our 40s and life is changing for all of us. Our parents won’t be here forever. And I’d like to be closer to her kids. Am I putting too much on this relationship? Are holidays really that important?
—Distant Relative
Dear Distant Relative: Holidays, in and of themselves, are just days. We imbue them with meaning, emotional, spiritual, cosmic, what have you. Any day can be imbued with special meaning and family traditions.
So, ask yourself what you want your holidays to mean. And then have a conversation with your sister (and eventually your whole family) about those wants, their wants, and how those things can be accomplished. Be open to possibly hearing that what she needs right now isn’t something the family can fully provide.
The “why don’t you come home at the holidays?” conversation can open up a big can of worms in any family. That’s fine for unpacking at some point but may pull you off task if you lead with it. Instead, start with what you’ve already expressed: you want to see her; you want to be in a better relationship with her kids; you’re thinking a lot about how life is changing for everyone. And you’re looking for a way to address it.
You don’t have to have the answers or even suggestions. But starting the conversation and taking away the immediate pressure of making the holidays the solution can open up new possibilities.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
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