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Asking Eric: Dinner nights are spoiled by couple’s antisocial daughter

Dear Eric: My husband and I have a close relationship with another couple. Their daughter, two years out of college and gainfully employed, lives with them. When we are invited to have dinner or drinks at this couple’s house, the daughter often joins.

We are not generally informed ahead of time that she will join; instead, the couple says something at the last minute like “We hope you don’t mind, but our daughter will be joining us.”

Actually, we do mind. The daughter is unfriendly and uncommunicative. She barely greets us or acknowledges our presence, and speaks only to her parents on subjects that don’t include us. This puts a damper on the occasion, as normal conversation among all participants is nonexistent. We do not take this personally; she exhibits the same behavior to other people and has very few friends her own age.

Our friends are aware that their daughter is antisocial. They don’t encourage this behavior but apparently have not insisted that the young woman be nice to their friends during social occasions.

How can we best navigate future invites to our friends’ home? We are happy to suggest our house, or a restaurant, but our friends are perceptive and will recognize this maneuver for what it is: an attempt to avoid their daughter.

– Reluctant Guests

Dear Guests: Initially, I thought that compassionate directness was the best path forward, but upon further reflection, I think compassionate putting-up-with-it-ness is the way to go. How often are these invites coming? Once a month? Twice? Spending an evening with your friends’ daughter may not be your idea of a good time, which is understandable, but it’s better than asking your friends to choose between her and you.

It would be different if they were bringing her along to your house or to restaurants. But they’re not. Yes, the daughter has some opportunities for developing a social life of her own. But by your account, the parents know this and are likely doing what they can to help ease the transition.

You don’t have to say yes to every invite to their house. And you can initiate plans on your own for just the four of you whenever you’d like. Indeed, it might be helpful if you take the lead on this more. But trying to ice out your friends’ daughter will just alienate them.

(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)

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