Dear Eric: On December 6, “Leftovers, Anyone” wrote about her daughter’s Friendsgiving overshadowing her own Thanksgiving. The letter read, in part, “I don’t feel it is as special as it was because now everyone has already had the traditional Thanksgiving meal that previously we only had that one time a year.” I think that I can give another way to look at this, or at least share my experience.
My stepdaughter and her daughters were so tired of all the Friendsgiving parties that they attended that they didn’t show up to our traditional Thanksgiving meal. They showed up hours later and literally ate leftovers.
Clearly my party and my side of the family was not a priority. Even the hospitality of sending food home with them was taken away from me, as their refrigerator and freezer was stuffed from their prior parties. I’m not sure that this is what children need to be taught, but I also think that it is the future of Thanksgiving.
— Change is coming
Dear Change is coming: I’d gently suggest that you’re not helpless against the changing tide. You’ve noticed a pattern that seems to be in conflict with your hopes and expectations for the holiday. So, for next year, you have the opportunity to talk about it with your daughters in advance and find a solution that makes everyone happy.
Every holiday meal is, of course, about the food, but its primary purpose is togetherness as a family. As people change, and family structures change, we have the power to change what that togetherness looks like and how it happens.
It’s important for you to sit at a table with your daughters and share a meal. From your letter, it’s also important to extend hospitality to them in the form of leftovers. Now that the dust of the holidays has settled, talk to them about what’s important to you and what’s important to them. And see if together you can come up with a plan for next year that meets everyone’s needs. It might mean that Thanksgiving changes a little bit on your side—maybe there are fewer leftovers, for instance—but it also might mean that they’re more aware of the impact of their actions and they plan their time better.
Holidays don’t just happen. I know you know this because you’re putting a lot of work into it. It’s good to talk to your loved ones about what you’re doing and to include them in the work of making the holidays special for everyone, you included.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
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