Dear Eric: My brother (65) lost his wife to Covid in 2023. I (F73) relocated to take care of him while grieving. He has numerous health issues. He does nothing for himself.
I take care of all washing, cooking as well as ordering and dispensing his medications. He is incontinent recently and refuses to wear disposable underwear I purchase for him. There is mess everywhere. I am fed up.
How do I address this with him without creating hurt feelings and tension? I am exhausted from cleaning up after him and am tempted to let the bathroom at least stay filthy. Help!
—Exhausted Sister
Dear Exhausted Sister: Your brother may still be in the throes of grief over the loss of his wife, and perhaps has diminished capacity. That’s understandable, but that does not preclude him from showing up in some way for himself and for you. I’m curious how much of this behavior is a remnant of his relationship—was he active in the maintenance of his life before his wife’s passing or did she do all the things you’re doing?
Have a state of the household conversation. I know you want to avoid tension, but tension is already there. You’re feeling it. And it’s possible that he’s feeling it, too, and some of his actions may be expressions of it. Without placing blame, talk to him about what the needs of the home are—the things you’re doing, the things you need, the things he needs, the things that are falling through the cracks. Then talk to him about your capacity, i.e., “these are things that I can’t keep doing.” Ask him, “Are there parts of our living situation that don’t work for you?” Then say, “What can we do to improve things for both of us?”
It may look like him taking more of an active role in his care. It may look like reaching out to a social worker, senior manager, or doctor about bringing in more help. But it starts with laying out the facts, separately laying out the feelings, and then saying, “This is reality; what are we going to do about it?”
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
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