Dear Eric: My very best friend of 40 years and I had a falling out last year. Prior to that, we’ve shared so many experiences—vacations, holidays, family get-togethers. Not sure what exactly was the reason as she and her husband retired and moved to a different part of the country after selling their very valuable real estate.
This friend was like a sister to me, and I was crushed with her ghosting and punishment of me and my family who also loved her. I sought counseling to figure out my role in this breakup and got some clarity.
Some things are out of our control and people make decisions that suit them at the time. But I was terribly hurt and accepted the breakup.
I liked a posting of hers and she reached out to me and said, “does this mean we can be friends?” I responded maybe. But I don’t have trust in her anymore and don’t want to initiate something that will come back to bite me later.
How should I navigate this? It was so much easier when there were no expectations and no contact.
— Wondering what the next step should be
Dear Wondering: Perhaps there’s a clue in her response. One way of reading her question—“does this mean we can be friends?”—suggests that she doesn’t see herself as having ghosted and perhaps has a different read on the falling out and both of your responses to it. It’s, of course, also possible that she’s being disingenuous, so proceed with caution. But, with clear communication and expectations, you both can choose where and how to begin your friendship again.
Start with the question, “Do you want to process what happened?” Ask yourself first and then put it to her. You may find that you don’t want to rehash and a simple, “I’m sorry that we haven’t been in each other’s lives” will suffice. But if you feel that there’s harm that needs repairing, it’s best to bring it up rather than letting it fester.
Trust will take time to rebuild. But, if you’re both approaching this reconciliation with honesty and good intentions and owning what’s on each of your sides of the street, it won’t always feel this uncomfortable.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
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