Dear Eric: I was speaking with two co-workers when one of them invited the other co-worker to attend a party at his home. The two then had a brief conversation about the nature of the party. I was stunned the invite had been extended in my presence and I was being excluded. I remained silent. Should I have said something?
—Excluded Co-worker
Dear Co-worker: It’s a little odd that they would choose that moment to have this discussion, but what seems most likely here is that the other two co-workers have a relationship that extends beyond work. So, it’s best for your self-esteem and peace of mind to think of this not as an exclusion that targeted you, but rather a place where their real-life friendship intersected with their work life.
I can’t tell from your letter whether you feel you’re also a friend with these people (or even a work friend – not to make too much of a hierarchy out of it). But if you want to be better friends with them, this is a good opportunity to think about how you can communicate that. Perhaps it’s an invitation to an event you’re hosting or just an offer to get lunch together sometime.
Dear Eric: Our daughter’s mother-in-law has separated from her ailing husband of more than 45 years. They appeared to be happily married during our last 20 years of interactions. Recently she left her partner and moved into our daughter’s house. We have two grandchildren that we are accustomed to seeing once each month. Visiting is no longer available since the mother-in-law is living there. What do you suggest we do to assist in this situation?
—Ready to Help
Dear Ready: I’m going to work off of the presumption that when you visited you stayed with your daughter and that the room you stayed in is currently being occupied by her mother-in-law. If that’s the case, other than building an extension, there may not be much you can do to assist right now. But it will be helpful for you to be a listening ear for your daughter as she navigates this new living arrangement. Reading between the lines of your letter, I suspect the separation comes as a surprise to you and isn’t something you’re completely on-board with. So, the situation is likely complicated, and your daughter could probably use someone to process this with.
As you listen, also bring up your desire to continue visiting and see if she can come up with a plan to make that work. It could be as simple as asking her mother-in-law to stay elsewhere for one weekend a month.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
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