Dear Eric: When my wife and I updated our wills, she designated a diamond tennis bracelet and diamond stud earrings to her niece (she had no biological children of her own). Later that month, my wife was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer, to which she would succumb 19 months later. My daughter (my wife’s stepdaughter) is a radiation oncologist and became our daily advocate as we navigated the byzantine world of cancer treatment.
Shortly after my wife’s diagnosis, her niece became engaged, and it was my wife’s one wish that she live long enough to attend her niece’s wedding, which we did. At no time during my wife’s illness did the niece reach out to her aunt, that I know of, other than to visit her during her final two weeks with her parents, looking bored the whole time.
That year, I arranged a two-day celebration of life. I sent out invitations and asked for RSVPs. The niece’s mother told me that they (my wife’s brother, his wife, and the niece) would, unfortunately, not be able to attend as the niece was pregnant, and the second day of the celebration fell on the day they decided to have the reveal party for the new baby, even though they knew of the celebration of life even before the pregnancy was announced.
While my wife had designated her niece as the recipient of the bracelet and earrings, I, still having complete control of the will, would like to give those items to our daughter. She was there daily for my wife, for which she was more than appreciative, and I do believe in my heart had my wife known how poorly her niece behaved during her illness and following her death, she would want our daughter to have those items too. So, what do I do? Honor my wife’s wishes as she declared them before becoming ill or do what I think she would have wanted based on the niece’s behavior during her illness and after?
— Missed Inheritance
Dear Inheritance: Honor your wife’s wishes. Withholding the bracelet isn’t going to change the past, and it isn’t going to do what you really want: allow your wife to have received the love that she offered to the niece. I would presume that there are other items in your wife’s estate that you can give to your daughter. I also hope that your daughter knows how meaningful her presence was to you and to your wife during her illness. And it won’t hurt to tell her again.
But think of the tennis bracelet as a gift, freely given without expectation. Your wife loved her niece. As with any other relationship, theirs was unique. It’s possible you don’t know every detail of it. But, even if you do, trust the feelings that your wife had. The gift of the bracelet doesn’t absolve the niece. However, by honoring your wife’s wishes, you allow more of the beauty that she brought into the world to flourish.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
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