Dear Eric: My ex and I are on good terms. I wouldn’t say we’re friends just yet. It’s kinda new. We separated two years ago, and we got divorced about eight months ago. We keep in contact a little but it’s not like a TV show where we’re buddy buddy.
I’m sad about this because I like her a lot. We were together for 12 years, from our early 20s to our mid-30s. So, we learned a lot about life together. She’s expressed an interest in being friends but, in our relationship, I was always the person who kept in contact with people, had people over, planned poker nights or the fantasy football league.
I can’t help but think that maybe she’s lonely and I should try harder to build a friendship with her. Mostly I just hate being in this weird un-friend space. Maybe that’s just being divorced? Am I overthinking this?
—Not Quite Friends
Dear Not Quite Friends: Better to be overthinking than to be overdoing in this case. You’re looking for an action, something to do to get you out of the way you feel. And it sounds like that energy has landed on your ex. But your ex is not a project and, for now, you should leave her be.
Friendship after a relationship is very different from new friendship. With a new friendship, sometimes it’s helpful to be a little vocal about a desire to build something meaningful. Sometimes you have to be intentional about establishing a pattern of hangouts. Sometimes you have to be the convener of the fantasy football league.
But after a relationship, it can be helpful to give yourselves the space and time to re-learn not only who you are but who you can be together.
You write that you fear your ex is lonely. Respectfully, and kindly, that’s not something you should be responsible for. And is it possible that you’re lonely? And you’re used to filling your time (and your home) with activities, friends, and events?
It might be helpful to call the “un-friend” space by a different name. This is going to sound harsh but bear with me. Right now, you’re not friends. You’re exes. That is a full and complex relationship on its own. It may not be like this forever. But it’s enough for right now. Lean on your other friends and wish her well. From afar.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
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