Dear Eric: I met an interesting man recently and agreed to a date. Within a few minutes, we realized we had grown up in the same town and already knew each other. I was younger by a couple of years, and although we didn’t know each other well, we shared an extended friend group.
I have a vivid memory of being in the back of his truck when he intentionally hurt an animal while driving. He did not express any remorse; quite the opposite. He wouldn’t pull over, and I became physically ill. That image has stayed in my mind.
He says he’s a different person now, nearly 15 years later. I’m having a hard time even thinking about getting past it. Should I even try? Can a 17-year-old horrible person turn into a 31-year-old person with integrity and empathy? Should I try to get over this image that was seared into my 15-year-old brain?
— Old Habits
Dear Old Habits: He may be a new version of himself, and I certainly hope that’s the case. But his rebirth doesn’t require you to revisit your relationship. I’d say move on.
This isn’t really about him. This is about the events that you both have to live with in the past. What you experienced in the past was traumatic and it hasn’t left you ever since. There may be little he can do to help lessen the emotional impact.
So, declining to pursue a relationship isn’t about punishing him in the present so much as it’s about acknowledging some actions in your shared history are too large to get around.
None of us is our past. We are allowed to change, to grow, to make amends. But our changes don’t require other people to change or to forget. This memory does not seem like a good foundation on which to build a relationship. I know that dating can be hard, but there are other fish in the sea.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
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