Dear Eric: I recently reconnected with a man on a dating app who previously “ghosted” me. We’d been chatting months ago and had a good connection. We’re both single parents in our 40s, so we had a lot in common. We were supposed to have met for coffee and then the day came and he kept saying he was running late. Half hour. An hour. More texts. Busy day, childcare. Of course, I understood. Then nothing. He never showed and never texted again.
I had too much self-respect to keep messaging beyond an initial “what’s up” and then a more pissed “WTF” the next day. I did worry that he was lying in a ditch somewhere.
But he’s alive.
I started a new profile on a new platform a little while ago and after a few weeks, there he was. We matched. And he sent me a message saying “So sorry for the mix-up last time. Can we pick up where we left off?”
He seems like a nice guy other than the whole ghosting thing. But he didn’t offer any explanation. Am I setting myself up for another cold coffee?
— Ghosted
Dear Ghosted: Unmatch, unswipe, un-whatever-you-need-to-do. Yes, things happen; days get unmanageable; kids have minor crises. But the upside of being in this age where we’re perpetually reachable at all hours is that when something unexpected happens, we can communicate about it.
You’re connected to this man through three platforms now—text, the old app, and the new app. And yet he couldn’t find a way to say the simplest thing on the day of the coffee: “I’m not going to make it. I’m sorry for keeping you.” And he still hasn’t, per your letter, owned up to messing up. (I can’t see how this was a “mix-up.”)
If he can’t send a text, how’s he going to handle a whole relationship? I say move on. Missing plans isn’t inexcusable in the grand scheme of things. Life happens. But ghosting? A grave offense.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
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