Dear Amy: Forty-two years ago, my uncle died by suicide. I was very young at the time, and for years was told that he died in a car crash.
It was only by accident that I discovered that he had taken his own life. He had a troubled life. It seems he never really felt at home in the world. When he was a teenager, the father with whom he already had a difficult relationship died in tragic circumstances, and I get the impression that this had an impact on his decision to take his own life.
Everyone who knew this young man is either gone or getting older. My grandmother (his mother) died about 10 years ago. We found his school books and other personal items among her belongings.
My question is: What does somebody do with these personal effects? This man lived for not much more than two decades. He did not have any children.
Surely, there should be some way of memorializing his short life?
It seems dreadful to simply throw these items in the trash. Is there some way of saying that this person existed and that their life mattered?
– Niece in Oregon
Dear Niece: This is an intriguing – and poignant – question.
I suggest that if it is possible you might try to sketch an oral history from any family members who might remember more of the fullness of your uncle’s life. You might then be able to prepare a narrative (with photos of some of these objects), and consider posting it as an online memorial.
Allianceofhope.org is an online site for survivors of suicide loss. Their “memorial wall,” which features photos of people who have died by suicide – along with inspiring quotes – is deeply moving. Scrolling through the hundreds of beautiful photos reminds those of us who have lost a family member or friend to suicide how important it is to recognize and remember our loved one’s life, and not only their death.
Dear Readers: Before my departure at the end of June, I’m opening my files and revisiting some previous Q&As. The following was first published in 2021.
(You can email Amy Dickinson at askamy@amydickinson.com or send a letter to Ask Amy, P.O. Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068. You can also follow her on Twitter @askingamy or Facebook.)
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