Dear Amy: My wife of 40 years is a beautiful woman and always has been.
When younger, she turned many heads. To this day (when she wears makeup), she still is quite attractive.
The one caveat is that now that she is in her 70s, she has developed many wrinkles.
She frequently asks me if I think she is looking much older.
I would never upset her and so I fib and say “no.”
At times she will look at another woman who has lots of wrinkles and ask, “Do I have as many wrinkles as she does?”
I always say “… not even close,” although in some instances she does have as many.
Am I right to fib?
I could never see myself saying, “Yes, dear, you have a lot of wrinkles.”
I love her and it truly doesn’t matter to me.
Your thoughts?
– Loving Husband
Dear Loving Husband: You write this as though your wife has aged, but you have not.
You also seem to believe that the aging process, which is both natural and unavoidable, renders people unattractive.
If you have somehow miraculously not aged in these last 40 years, then your position as the Rip Van Winkle in your family gives you the authority to be the wrinkle arbiter.
However, I’m going to assume that you are an average person and that you are showing your years – along with the rest of us.
If so, when your wife expresses her deep insecurities, you might identify with her, rather than behave in a way that is dishonest or disingenuous.
Say to her, “Honey, look at us both. Look at our friends and family members. Take a good look. Every sign of our age means that we are alive. Our lumps and bumps are reminders that we have the privilege of living in our bodies. Our wrinkles are the map of our experiences.”
And when your wife brushes off your lofty musings, definitely deliver a kindly fib.
All of this would be much easier – for both of you – if you truly believed your wife was beautiful (as is!), and could say as much with absolute sincerity.
I hope you can.
Dear Amy: Our daughter recently got engaged to a smart and responsible young man.
We’re thrilled, except for one thing: we have nothing in common with his parents.
Their background is completely different from mine and my husband’s.
They don’t speak English fluently enough, nor do we speak their language fluently enough, to have a conversation to get to know them better.
I’m anticipating several family events over the next year when we’ll have to mix and socialize.
Please help me figure out how to negotiate these events and become a good in-law to my daughter’s future parents-in-law.
– Really Grasping
Dear Grasping: I have good news for you.
The way to be a good in-law is the same way to be a good person: to be patient, welcoming, friendly, and kind.
You should ask your future son-in-law for suggestions of ways you can get to know his parents better. What are their interests, hobbies, favorite foods?
Invite them to visit your home with the engaged couple so you can get to know them a little better in a small group in advance of the wedding, with the son on hand to help translate.
If you extend yourself warmly in friendship, they will likely appreciate it, even if they might struggle to communicate.
When it comes to larger events, make sure to introduce them to other extended family members and wedding guests.
If you don’t hit it off with them, also understand that many in-laws don’t actually get to know one another that well or choose to spend time together, aside from mutually participating in wedding events.
Dear Amy: I was disgusted by your response to “Worried Employee.” Worried Employee made a comment to her new co-worker after seeing a photo of the woman’s cats on her desk: “I’d never have a cat. I just don’t trust them.”
After the co-worker retaliated, you stated that she should be fired.
How would you feel if I looked at a photo of your kids and said, “I’d never have kids. I just don’t trust them?”
If someone makes fun of my fur-babies, I’m going after them with everything I have.
– Disgusted
Dear Disgusted: If you said, “I’d never have kids. I just don’t trust them,” I’d agree with you.
“Retaliating” by publicly trashing a co-worker on social media platforms would – and should – get you fired.
(You can email Amy Dickinson at askamy@amydickinson.com or send a letter to Ask Amy, P.O. Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068. You can also follow her on Twitter @askingamy or Facebook.)
©2024 Amy Dickinson. Distributed by Tribune Content Agency, LLC.
