Dear Amy: My 83-year-old widowed mother is depressed, and I don’t know how to help.
She refuses to see a therapist and sees drugs as a crutch. She has always been a very private person, is generally distrustful of doctors, and would never let down her shields to a stranger.
I have told her that I am not a therapist, but she has lately begun to confide in me about things that, even as an adult, I shouldn’t be hearing.
Depression runs in the family. I have seen a therapist in the past and am on medication, so I understand and empathize, but it’s getting to the point where I dread seeing her, and yet I know that I’m her only lifeline.
How do I help her?
— Worried
Dear Worried: People sometimes start to reveal long-repressed or suppressed trauma very late in life, when — for a variety of reasons (medical, emotional, and cognitive) — their defenses are down. Studies of WWII survivors have shown that the strong and stoic “Greatest Generation” have experienced nightmares, remembered traumatic events and suffered from depression very late in life.
Quoting from one study: “In aging individuals, the classical symptoms of posttraumatic stress disorder (PTSD) may not be manifest, yet considerable distress may occur in the face of re-awakened memories of traumatic experiences.”
Therapy helps. Medication helps. And yet many elders are resistant to the idea of treatment in the ways your mother is.
My first suggestion is that you should resume in-person (or telehealth) therapy right away, in order to process this burden, which is a trigger for you.
I urge you to seek healthy ways to be open and present for your mother, while resisting the temptation to try to provide answers or your own brand of therapy for her.
Being in the moment with her is a special and challenging kind of witnessing. You stroke her hand. You say, “Mom, I’m so sorry. I’m so very sorry.” You sit quietly, and if you’re able, you stay quietly in the moment with her, letting her speak.
I wonder if you might be able to urge your mother toward treatment by asking her if she would consider doing this “for” or with you.
A good and competent therapist helps their client transition from being a stranger – to a trusted and helpful ally.
(You can email Amy Dickinson at askamy@amydickinson.com or send a letter to Ask Amy, P.O. Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068. You can also follow her on Twitter @askingamy or Facebook.)
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