Dear Amy: Which is the default position regarding asking for help versus offering to help?
For instance, let’s say I’m at work and someone walks past my desk several times, carrying a big box each time.
Assuming that carrying the big box is part of their job, do I stop doing MY job to offer my assistance, just because it is the polite thing to do?
Or since the person obviously sees me each time, would the onus be on them to actually ask for help if they truly needed it? (I would gladly help, by the way.)
If I purposely look for it, I see lots of people throughout my day potentially in need of assistance (loading groceries into their car, reaching for something on a high shelf, etc).
But without them requesting help, I feel like I could be spending my days constantly helping others with their daily lives as opposed to doing the things I need to do for myself.
Is it my responsibility in polite society to assume that people in need are too shy to ask for help, and therefore I should always be offering it?
If I need help, I ask!
I know every case is different, but I’m kinda looking for a default position.
“If you want my help, just ask!”
– Passively Helpful Guy
Dear Helpful: If you are using a defibrillator to jump-start someone’s heart when a big-box-bearing colleague walks past, then by all means — carry on with what you’re doing.
If you’re staring into space, pondering the perfect salutation for that next email (hmmm, ‘Hi There’ or ‘Dear Friend’?) and someone’s passing by carrying a big box, then I think you should make eye contact and ask, “Can I give you a hand with that?”
The way you frame this dilemma, you seem to believe that if you pay too close attention, you could spend your days leaping up to help strangers.
OK! Sounds good — and Amen to you.
Unlike you, not enough people ask for help when they need it.
So yes, you should be the person who offers to fetch something off a high shelf, offers to hold the door for a parent pushing a stroller, or offers to help if someone seems to be struggling to carry a box across your field of vision.
Let this be your “default” position.
In my opinion, asking for help is an extremely important act. In addition to possibly receiving assistance, the person asking for help also grants a nice guy like you the opportunity to offer it.
(You can email Amy Dickinson at askamy@amydickinson.com or send a letter to Ask Amy, P.O. Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068. You can also follow her on Twitter @askingamy or Facebook.)
©2024 Amy Dickinson. Distributed by Tribune Content Agency, LLC.
