Dear Amy: My husband and his cousin, “Jerry,” are like brothers.
Jerry and I got off on the wrong foot, because after agreeing to be best man at our very small wedding, he backed out because his sister – whom I had never met – hadn’t been invited.
We quickly extended an invitation to the sister, but Jerry still refused to stand up at our wedding.
My husband forgave Jerry and I let the matter go. We’ve seen him only a handful of times since, usually at family events.
A few years ago, my husband was diagnosed with dementia, so we got our affairs in order.
This included naming our oldest daughter as guardian of our youngest children if we should both die.
My husband’s sister is second on the list and another of his cousins is third on the list. Both of them live near us and we spend a lot of time together.
They have helped us to raise our children.
Jerry recently found out about the arrangement and has now bad-mouthed me to the entire family for “shutting out” my husband’s “almost brother” from being a possible guardian to our children.
I explained to him directly that we chose family members who know our children. He insists I have done this against my husband’s wishes as payback for the wedding “issue.”
My husband is too ill to set the record straight. Now the situation has gotten so bad, that the cousin listed as a possible guardian has decided not to invite Jerry and his family to her wedding. I feel terrible.
Any advice for how to solve the family drama before it becomes an all-out war? I’m not changing my mind about guardianship, but I also hate to deny Jerry time with my husband in what could be the last couple years of his life.
– At a Loss in California
Dear At a Loss: The only surefire way I can see to prevent this episode from blowing up further would be for your husband’s cousin “Jerry” to stop being such a controlling jerk.
Other family members are responding to his behavior by deciding they don’t want to be around him. You’ve done nothing to incite this drama, and you should not allow yourself to be drawn in.
In short, calmly stick to your guns.
It sounds as if you believe your husband would like to spend time with Jerry, and if so, you should shelve your concerns about this guardianship drama and invite him to the house so he can see your husband.
There is some likelihood that Jerry will decline to visit, but if he does visit, greet him cordially, offer him a cup of coffee, and encourage the two men to spend time together.
Do not bring up or discuss any of your personal business. If he brings this up, say, “I won’t be discussing that with you, ever.”
Dear Amy: My mother-in-law recently died. She left her farm property to my wife and her siblings.
I’m wondering if I have a say in how my wife handles her portion of the estate?
– Concerned Husband
Dear Concerned: In a word, no.
This inheritance will belong to your wife and her siblings. Unless you are specifically named in the will, you are not included.
Some families handle the disposition of their inheritance by meeting together with only the inheritors, specifically excluding spouses. It depends on the family dynamic, but generally speaking leaving spouses and in-laws at home while details are worked out can make a difficult situation a little easier.
If your wife chooses to share her inherited assets with you, then you’ll have your say.
You and your wife should check the inheritance laws in your state.
Dear Amy: I didn’t like your response to “Dog Tired,” whose daughter wanted to have her four dogs as her wedding “attendants.”
I am continually astonished at how weddings and associated activities bring out the very worst in those involved.
One does wonder what wedding virus is infecting people that they lose all common sense. Four dressed up, ill-behaved dogs at a wedding!
The mother was absolutely right to point out to her daughter the looming problems with this idea. She even offered reasonable alternatives.
I don’t get how you could tell the mother to stop judging and undermining the idiot daughter’s choices.
– Dismayed
Dear Dismayed: This long-suffering mother of the bride had tried her very best to talk sense into her daughter. By deciding to stop judging, she could let herself off the hook.
(You can email Amy Dickinson at askamy@amydickinson.com or send a letter to Ask Amy, P.O. Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068. You can also follow her on Twitter @askingamy or Facebook.)
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