Dear Amy: My husband of 45 years recently came to me with a proposal. He wants to deepen a friendship with a single woman 20 years younger.
He says she lifts his spirits, is creative, and is a great mom to her children.
Their conversations are lively and interesting, and he finds that he wants to be around her more often.
I was flabbergasted and hurt to the core. To me, this is an emotional affair. Because of my reaction, he has labeled me as lacking self-esteem and accuses me of not trusting him.
Am I overreacting to this proposal, or am I being perfectly reasonable?
— Hurt Feelings
Dear Hurt: If it’s a true “proposal,” then you get to say, “No deal. I reject your proposal.”
But I don’t think this is a proposal. I think this is an announcement.
You’ve left out any context, but when you responded to this by revealing your own vulnerability, your husband chose to gaslight you.
In addition to highlighting this other woman’s great qualities, he is by implication drawing a contrast to you (“She’s a great mom to her kids” is a nice touch).
Because now — the way your husband is reframing this – your insecurity and lack of trust is driving him to this other relationship.
People get to have friendships. Married people need friendships.
But the way to engage in a friendship with someone designed to threaten your partner (younger, single, lively, spirit-lifting) is to bring the new friend around and offer to share said friend with you, at least to the extent where it is obvious that this friendship will not threaten your marriage.
This new person sounds quite captivating. You should invite her to dinner to see what the fuss is all about. Wouldn’t it be wonderful if she could lift all of your spirits?
You and your husband could benefit from some professional counseling, which would help each of you to describe what about this particular episode is so important, from your individual and opposing perspectives.
(You can email Amy Dickinson at askamy@amydickinson.com or send a letter to Ask Amy, P.O. Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068. You can also follow her on Twitter @askingamy or Facebook.)
©2024 Amy Dickinson. Distributed by Tribune Content Agency, LLC.
