Dear Eric: I have to work with a very arrogant person, and it is hard to manage his dismissive attitude and grumpy remarks.
The thing is, I am paying him to do work on my home. He is a talented and skilled person, but his personality is very off-putting as he seems to honestly believe he is the smartest person in the room, which is ridiculous.
He acts like everyone else is stupid but him. Although he doesn’t actually directly call me or anyone else stupid, his attitude says it clearly. Consequently, I dread dealing with him, but I do need his help right now.
How do you deal with someone who isn’t directly calling you a moron but acts like you are one?
I have come to believe he actually thinks he is being polite and helpful when his demeaning and rude dismissiveness is what is actually coming across.
— Respect, Please
Dear Respect: You may not be able to change this guy’s personality—which may be predisposed to arrogance and dismissiveness—but you can give him some constructive criticism relating to how the two of you interact.
Try to pick one or two things that you’ve noticed repeatedly and address them specifically, rather than talking to him about his general demeanor. It is easier to get defensive and dismissive about broad statements. Instead, try saying something like, “I want to give you some feedback about our working relationship, if you’re open to it. I’d like to be able to communicate clearly so the project is successful. When I hear things like [here you’d insert a specific example], it sounds dismissive to me. Instead, if you’re giving me an update on the work, could you phrase it like this instead?” Adjust the language to suit your style, of course. The goal is to bridge the gap between intention and impact.
Working relationships thrive on communication, so it’s good to ask for what you need and to offer solutions for parts of the relationship that aren’t working for you. I hope he’s receptive and communicates his needs clearly back to you. If he’s not, he may not be the best person for the job.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
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