Dear Eric: My neighbors are a family of four, with two teenagers. We’ve been neighbors for 10 years with no problems. This past year, they went through a traumatic incident with one of their kids, but with time, they are beginning to heal. Of course, we went out of our way during this time to ensure they could be there for their child. We made food, got groceries, et cetera. Things have been stable for about six months.
Lately, though, the mom has been texting me to ask my son to do things, like vacuum her house. To clarify, I am a single mom to two children. My son is in university and lives with me. My daughter just moved out.
She came over at 8 p.m. with a key to her house. I told her my son would not be vacuuming her house.
I thought this would end it, as I was not happy.
Two days ago, I received another text asking if my son wants to mow her lawn.
Her husband and son had gone fishing. And she was home. I said no.
I can’t figure out why she’s asking my son to do things they are fully capable of doing.
I don’t know how to respond in a way that doesn’t come off as rude, but I’m pretty close to asking her why. I thought I’d mention it to her husband because I’m pretty sure she’s not telling him she’s asking my son to do work at their house. It’s so weird. Any advice?
— My Son is Unavailable
Dear Unavailable: Go ahead and ask her why. On its face, this behavior is perplexing, presumptuous even. Maybe she misunderstood a blanket offer of support; maybe she had a separate conversation with your son. Or maybe she’s a little too opportunistic and needs redirection.
It’s not rude to express your confusion by saying something like, “Lately, you’ve been asking me to have my son do chores at your house. I don’t know where this is coming from. Can you help me see what I’m missing?” If she doubles down, don’t be afraid to assert the boundary you’ve set. “My son has a full plate right now, so I can’t volunteer him for other tasks. Would you like my help brainstorming other ways for you to get the job done?”This past year, they went through a traumatic incident with one of their kids, but with time, they are beginning to heal.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
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