Dear Eric: My brother-in-law lives in another state, and we only see him once a year. He likes to cook and puts a lot of time and effort into preparing good meals for us. The problem is that I cannot eat as much as he thinks I should.
My husband and I eat two meals a day. His brother fixes three big meals a day for us. I am a small person and simply cannot eat all that food, so I take small portions of everything. And he complains constantly about how little I eat and I must not be eating more because I don’t like the food. The food is usually good, and I always tell him that.
Because of this continual harassment, I hate going there. The last time we were there, he got so mad that I didn’t eat more food that he raised his voice to criticize me. I was stunned. I told my husband that I would never go back, but his brother is his only living close relative and he thinks I should just forget about what happened. I know if I go back, he’ll do the same thing, because he’s been doing it for 10 years. My husband has never stood up to him because he doesn’t want to jeopardize their relationship.
—Fed Up
Dear Fed Up: Put your foot down and put your fork down. Your brother-in-law’s hospitality is a fine gesture that gets completely ruined by his caustic behavior. How is anyone supposed to enjoy their meal with someone yelling at them?
You’re right to not want to subject yourself to that anymore. Initially, it appeared that your brother-in-law was an overly enthusiastic host who was letting his love of food and his anxiety about doing it right run roughshod over the table. But this behavior ultimately seems more controlling than anything else.
Be clear with your husband that this is behavior you can’t abide. You don’t have to just forget it. You needn’t eat anything you don’t want to and that includes eating crow. If he’s adamant about going back, he can talk to his brother about the awful reactions. It sounds like the relationship between the brothers is also unhealthy, so your husband may struggle with this ask, but it’s important. You can put up with one awkward visit a year, sure, but this goes beyond just grinning and bearing it.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
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