Dear Eric: My son and my niece had been friends since childhood but had a falling out about a decade ago. She confessed to him that she was cheating on her husband and thinking of leaving him and their 6-year-old daughter. My son suggested she talk to a professional before making a rash decision. She then badmouthed him to everyone else in the family and stopped talking to him for years.
Her husband was also cruel to my son at the time, though he didn’t know about the affair.
After a few very awkward family holiday dinners, my son started to stay away if she was going to be there. This really upsets me, and I keep asking him to attend. I’ve also been asking him for years to reconcile with her, which just seems to make him more stubborn. It’s the only thing we fight about. What can I do to make him let this go?
—Caught in the Middle
Dear Middle: Why should he be the one to let this go? I don’t see anything in your letter about your niece or her husband trying to make amends for what they did to your son. And, from your telling, your son didn’t do anything wrong. So, when you press him to come to these awkward dinners, it probably sounds to him like you’re taking your niece’s side. I’m curious why that is.
I’d strongly encourage you to see things from his perspective and extend compassion to him. The awkwardness of these dinners is not his fault. Your niece stopped talking to him for years; her husband was cruel. I wouldn’t want to eat with these people either.
With all this past unhappiness, the worst outcome would be for this disagreement to poison your relationship with your son, too. So, please stop bringing it up. If you want to mend things, tell him that you shouldn’t have been pressuring him and you’re sorry.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
©2024 Tribune Content Agency, LLC.
