Dear Eric: I had a good friend who died last year. We knew each other for more than 50 years. We socialized as much as we could, and I talked to him frequently.
He became sick and I visited him as much as I could. After he died, I offered my help to his wife for arrangements with the funeral, since they didn’t have anything done. I didn’t hear any response.
We learned about the funeral through the internet. We sent flowers and cards; we never received any response. We called and left messages, the same way. We sent cards for masses, holidays and birthdays. No response.
We hear from other friends that she is fine. We don’t understand her behavior and we don’t know what else we can do. What is your advice?
—Perplexed Friend
Dear Perplexed: I’m sorry for the loss of your friend. I know that his wife’s silence is making the loss even harder. The silence also makes it hard to figure out what’s happening on her side. A likely explanation is that her grief makes it hard to talk to you or compels her to withdraw or is simply making logistics a challenge.
That’s hard to take but it’s not about who you are. Grief is complicated and often vicious; it takes us out of ourselves.
Unfortunately, there’s nothing more you can do to foster a connection. For now, it’s important to recognize her silence as a boundary and respect that. You’ve shown your support in many ways, but if it’s not what she wants or needs, the most supportive thing to do is to step back with love.
Dear Eric: I would like to add something to your answer to “No Poker Face”, a 60-something white guy who asked how he should have responded to racist comments from an old friend.
I strongly recommend the Southern Poverty Law Center’s collection of downloadable PDFs, “Speak Up: Responding to Everyday Bigotry.” Formerly a book, “Speak Up” is a treasure trove of examples of how to respond to these all-too-familiar situations, from Thanksgiving dinner to the workplace and everywhere in between.
—Tough Conversation
Dear Conversation: Thanks for flagging this. What a great resource.
Dear Readers: On Nov. 10, 2024, I’m thrilled to join psychology scholar Dacher Keltner and creative entrepreneur Mali Bacon in a public conversation about Gratitude at the Spirit & Place Festival in Indianapolis. You can find more information at spiritandplace.org. I hope you’ll join us!
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
©2024 Tribune Content Agency, LLC.
