Dear Eric: I’m not close to my sister. Over the years, there has been very little contact, except when she needs money. She and two of her adult daughters have called asking for money, one asking more than once. I want to keep peace in the family, so I’ve given it to them. They said they would pay it back. Not only have they not done so, but they cut off all communication. I’ve never gotten any pictures of her grandkids, no newsy little notes about their daily life.
One daughter who has not asked for money called to ask us to dinner. We had a nice time, but I know she will soon ask why we don’t all get together. Can I tell her about the money, lack of caring about us or not? She used to ignore me, too.
– Frustrated Sister
Dear Sister: It’s tricky when you want to set a boundary but to do so fully would involve putting someone else’s business in the street. However, you’re right to not want to socialize until some amends are made by your sister and her one daughter.
When the other daughter inquires about a group get-together, tell her you’d love to, but you and her mom and sister have some personal unfinished business that needs to be taken care of first. This also might be a good opportunity to talk about how important contact is for you, how you’re grateful she’s gotten in touch, and how it felt when you were being ignored. It doesn’t have to be a dramatic scene. But it’s important to put everything on the table so you don’t start to resent her, too.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
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