Dear Eric: Ordinarily, my friend is loving and affectionate to her middle-aged cat. She takes good care of him, with food, water, and attention. Today, she told me her cat has a condition that requires medical care, but she feels the vet just wants her money.
Instead, she is choosing a less costly homeopathic route, along with supplements and a modified diet, telling me she knows the cat may not have long to live.
Though I would follow a different path, I listened to my friend and did not challenge or try to change her personal decision. My problem is that I feel sad for her cat and am surprised; after hearing her gush about how much she loves her pet companion for years, by how casual she now is about his current state.
Everyone grieves in their own way, and I need to not judge but I find I am disheartened and am judging my friend. How can I frame this situation so that I can be present for and help my friend?
— Pet Heartsick
Dear Heartsick: Oh, I feel so sad for this cat and for your friend. It sounds like your friend is making the best decision she can, given her financial circumstances. I know it sounds cruel to you, but she might be backed into a corner. To wit, if she feels she can’t rely on the vet for good advice, it’s likely a kind of hopelessness has crept in.
In terms of re-framing, it might put your mind at ease to offer a little help. If it’s within your means, you can ask her if she’d like support paying the vet bill. Or, if that’s not possible, you could help her look into lower cost vet care or financial assistance for pet owners. Your local No-Kill shelter or nonprofit is a good place to start searching for resources.
If she’s resistant, however, remind yourself that this is a significant loss for her and this may be the only way she can wrap her mind around the grief. Being there for her as she processes it is a kindness.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
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