Dear Eric: I started a new relationship a couple years ago that has recently grown serious. I really love my girlfriend, and she is so sweet and kind. In fact, everybody loves her. The issue is that nearly every day, she mispronounces a word or uses one incorrectly. Sometimes cringingly so.
I am fortunate to be highly educated with a professional job and to have come from a family that valued speaking properly. She has limited education beyond high school, was married young and has established herself in a trade where she works for herself. I am very proud of her. However, I never know whether to correct her, if so, how often, or if I should just get over it. I think I personally would like to be gently corrected in private (e.g., by explaining the word’s origins and proper usage, etc.). Snobbish or helpful?
— Wordsmith
Dear Wordsmith: Ah, yes, you’re having a “My Fair Lady” problem. In the classic musical Henry Higgins, an erudite professor of phonetics, meets Eliza Doolittle, a Cockney flower girl, and attempts to teach her how to speak “properly” as a bet with a friend, falling in love with her and her vivid style of communicating along the way.
The question here is sometimes the same as the question in “My Fair Lady”: does she want your help?
So, ask her, privately, the next time it happens. “You said [X], but it’s usually pronounced [Y]; is it helpful for me to point that out or would that annoy you?” Then do what she asks. If you’re the only one who is cringing, then it’s not a problem for both of you and correction is going to chafe her. Language is fluid; the most important thing is that you understand each other, both in what you’re saying and what you’re doing.
Dear Eric: I really enjoy reading advice columns, and I see a lot of older folks frustrated that they don’t get thanked for gifts to their young relatives. Without meaning to appear ungrateful, I believe there is a generational gap here that isn’t being addressed.
I’m in my 30s. When I get a thank you note from a gift or a dinner invitation, I’m always surprised. It seems so formal! And unnecessary.
Instead of thinking “my friend/neighbor is grateful” I think “my friend/neighbor feels obliged to write thank you notes.”
A thank you note is not too much to ask, but it is just not as obvious as the older generation seems to think. So, I wish they could take it less personally. The expectation actually does need to be explained/taught in relational terms – “I feel loved/rejected/used when…”, with patience as the kids learn this intergenerational communication skill.
— No Thanks Needed
Dear Thanks: This issue does come up a lot, you’re right. And there’s definitely cultural and generational gaps but I don’t think there’s a one-size-fits-all explanation. You say that you have friends who send thank you notes. Maybe they enjoy it!
Your closing thought really hits it, though: we just have to say what we need.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
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