Ask Amy: Husband in his mid-60s worries about bad marriage with bitter alcoholic

Dear Amy: I am a man in my mid-60’s, married for the past 35 years to my second wife.

We have two children, both grown and on their own.

We have been sleeping in separate bedrooms for years. She is an alcoholic and is often very nasty toward me. Life is miserable.

Prior to this marriage, I was married for two years to my childhood sweetheart and soul mate. We had what I thought was a wonderful marriage until one day she announced that she did not want to be married any more. She refused to tell me why or get counseling.

I was devastated. I tried for the next year to woo her back. I found out later she had been having an affair with a co-worker whom she eventually married.

My dilemma is that I cannot get my first wife out of my head or heart. We have not had any contact in more than 35 years, but she is always on my mind.

I know she felt that she made a big mistake by ending our marriage, but I don’t know what to do about my feelings now.

I made vows that I plan to keep no matter how miserable I am, so I cannot leave my wife. I cannot go to counseling because I think it would break my wife’s heart to know my feelings, and I have never spoken about this with anyone.

I had always envisioned living with my soul mate into our golden years with a long and happy marriage.

Now I will be spending my golden years with a bitter alcoholic with no chance for intimacy.

I don’t know what to do.

— Lonely and Miserable

Dear Lonely and Miserable: Let’s see: You can’t affect any change in your current miserable situation because you evidently made lifelong vows to remain miserable, no matter what — and this vow includes refusing to seek help.

I hope you realize that if you seek individual counseling, what happens in the room is completely private. You don’t need to tell your wife anything that is shared with your therapist.

Therapy is where you can reveal your persistent longings.

My own theory is that your longing reveals your desire to escape; your former wife is a placeholder for everything you believe you have sacrificed.

Attending Al-Anon meetings (virtually or in-person) will help you to clarify your intentions and options; communicating with others whose lives are impacted by alcoholism will make you feel less alone and — I hope — much less miserable.

(You can email Amy Dickinson at askamy@amydickinson.com or send a letter to Ask Amy, P.O. Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068. You can also follow her on Twitter @askingamy or Facebook.)