Dear Amy: I was adopted as an infant and found my birth mom when I was in my 30s. She had gotten pregnant in high school and gave birth to me at 17.
We lived in different parts of the country and after I found her, we saw each other once a year for over a decade until she died suddenly last year.
After her death, her brothers and sisters, who I’d only met once before, started regularly calling, sending constant texts and inviting me to family holiday dinners and on family vacations.
I don’t feel a connection to them, don’t consider them family, and find it very uncomfortable to be around them.
What do I owe them? (And what do I owe to my birth mother?)
Is there a way to limit contact without being unkind?
— Dis-connected
Dear Dis-connected: You ask what you owe to these biological family members.
My answer is that you don’t owe them anything — but the fact that you see the connection this way reveals the guilt you seem to be carrying. What an unfair burden!
You also don’t owe your late birth mother anything. You found her, connected with her, and seem to have accepted her distant position in your life. If there is any unfinished business left to conduct, it would only be to accept this teenager’s long-ago choice to place you up for adoption and — if necessary — forgive her for it.
These other biological family connections are bound to bring up ambivalent feelings, and it is completely within your rights to distance yourself from them.
I suggest that you communicate a polite version of: “Don’t call me, I’ll call you.”
You can do this by saying, “I am glad that I found my birth mother and was able to get to know her. You are so kind to keep in touch and to want to include me in so many family events, but at this point, this makes me quite uncomfortable. I have your contact information and know how to reach you, but for now I’d like to regain some privacy. Thank you for your attitude of kindness and inclusion.”
(You can email Amy Dickinson at askamy@amydickinson.com or send a letter to Ask Amy, P.O. Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068. You can also follow her on Twitter @askingamy or Facebook.)
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