Dear Annie: My daughter has a 13-year-old son by her first husband and a 14-month-old by her new husband. She and the new husband have been living together for over seven years.
She moved eight hours away with our grandson, then 6, and the boyfriend immediately moved there and moved in. He stated many, many times that he never wanted kids and it was obvious he was jealous of my grandson’s need for his mom’s attention. My grandson has spent every weekend with his dad, who also moved there and lives a mile away.
My new son-in-law has succeeded in getting my daughter to go along with things to distance her emotionally from her older son. Of course, his son is the light of their life. They now have a live-in au pair who cares for the 14-month-old.
Recently, they came for a week and my daughter got sick, which led to everyone here visiting to get sick. The au pair was not here and stayed well. They all were mostly recovered when the 13-year-old got worse with a fever, sore throat and cough. She sent him sick to his dad’s for the week, saying they couldn’t afford to risk any of them getting it (yet they risked his dad getting it). She then said he couldn’t come home and would have to be alone all day with a fever of 102.6 and no one to care for him while his dad worked. I asked why he couldn’t come home where he could stay in his room and the au pair could prepare food for him. She adamantly refused that option as she couldn’t risk the au pair getting sick, or any of them, even with masks and gloves and being isolated upstairs.
That night, his fever spiked to 103.6, and his dad stayed home the next day and took him to the doctor. He was alone the rest of the week as he recovered from what turned out to be the flu. He was not allowed back home until he was completely well.
She did stop by and drop off food and one day visited for a while, but I was told not to mention it to her current husband, as he didn’t want her going into the house to see him at all.
I feel like this is child abuse or neglect. I am horrified that my daughter went along with this. Her husband seems to control everything, even though she’s the successful one. He lives off her. He’s been a terrible influence and has never shown my older grandson any love at all. She sees nothing wrong with any of this or the latest demands.
If I point it out, she will cut me off completely and not allow me to see my younger grandson. Her husband is encouraging her to cut ties with her whole family.
My ex-son-in-law will make sure we are always in my older grandson’s life.
If I don’t say anything, I feel like I’m sacrificing my older one to stay in the life of the younger one, and I can’t live with myself if I do that. I watched him from the time he was 6 weeks old until she moved him away. He is my heart. What would you do?
— In a No-Win Situation.
Dear No-Win Situation: Your letter is so sad. The way that your daughter is treating her older son is cold, to say the least. But the coldest relationship is the one between your daughter and her husband, and it is not as obvious as the one going on with mother and son. Your son-in-law is the textbook definition of a narcissist, and your daughter is stuck in that marriage.
She might not even realize it, but distancing her from her parents and her own son is controlling and cruel. The winner in this situation is your grandson’s father and you for continuing to show love and compassion to this child. As far as your daughter is concerned, I hope she wakes up and tells her new husband to start treating her son and her with some respect or he is out of the picture. You are smart to tread lightly around her husband. At the end of the day, the most important one to protect is your grandson, and keeping a positive relationship with you is an important part of his life.
“How Can I Forgive My Cheating Partner?” is out now! Annie Lane’s second anthology — featuring favorite columns on marriage, infidelity, communication and reconciliation — is available as a paperback and e-book. Visit http://www.creatorspublishing.com for more information. Send your questions for Annie Lane to dearannie@creators.com.
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