17 pumpkin spice foods no one ever asked for, ranked from weird to worst | Nick Ate It

We’ve all been there, standing in the grocery store aisle, looking at it.

Wow, how could anyone make something so dumb? Who would buy this?

Then you pause and look around. Well, it is kind of interesting. Maybe it’s good? Maybe I should try it.

This is your brain driving you to potential ruin. This is the morbid curiosity that crosses your mind when you see a dumb pumpkin spice product.

Fortunately, you don’t need to ruin your body with nutmeg levels that would be a red flag for the EPA. That’s my job.

Nick Ate It: 17 weird pumpkin spice-flavored foods, ranked

Because I have no regard for my health or free time, I’ve been out in the world perusing grocery store aisles for the weirdest pumpkin spice products out there.

It’s been a while now since the big pumpkin boom started. You’d think that it would have died down by now.

To an extent, it has. You’re starting to see more apple cider and maple foods out there. This is a good thing.

You know what’s not a good thing? A lot of pumpkin spice foods.

1) Cedar’s Pumpkin Hommus

A lot of stuff on this list stinks. But this Pumpkin Hommus? It’s delicious.

You get a creamy blend of chickpea and pumpkin along with a pleasantly sweet breeze of fall spice.

Actually, I take that back. No one else should buy this. Only I can have it. I need it for science or something.

2) Pumpkin Spice Pumpkin Seeds

Something about this product struck me as so odd. It’s like looking at an Oreo-flavored Oreo.

Jokes aside, these actually taste good. You get the crunch of the pumpkin seed and a mellow sweetness from the coating. I think the reason it tastes so good is that it tastes more like caramel than anything pumpkin spice.

3) Trader Joe’s Pumpkin Tortilla Chips

There’s pumpkin puree involved here. I’m not sure where. Honestly, it’s not my job to figure it out. I just eat things.

It tastes like a normal-ish tortilla chip at first. Then the spices come out in the aftertaste, like a Scooby-Doo villain that gets his mask ripped off at the end of the episode.

4) Entenmann’s Little Bites Pumpkin Muffins

This is actually a delightful little muffin. It’s a yellow cake with a slight spin of fall spice. I really enjoyed this.

I have no jokes. I’d eat a bunch of these.

5) Pumpkin Spice White Creme Pretzel Crisps

This is basically a sheet of white chocolate and pumpkin drizzle that’s loosely held together with a wafer-thin pretzel. It turns out that is a good thing.

You’re essentially getting a white chocolate treat with a little pumpkin spice, some crunch and some saltiness.

6) Pumpkin Spice Goldfish

I kept waiting for the pumpkin spice flavor to hit. But it never did.

I think my mouth is starting to build a tolerance to pumpkin spice. Or it’s actively revolting against my actions.

7) Pumpkin Spice Oatmeal Creme Pie

Again, I’m not getting a lot of pumpkin spice here. It tastes pretty similar to a normal Oatmeal Creme Pie, which has some cinnamon and warm spices in there.

I feel like the Dread Pirate Roberts in “Princess Bride” when he develops an immunity to iocane poison. Clearly, this is more dangerous.

8) Hood Pumpkin Egg Nog

Nope. Nevermind. I can taste all the pumpkin spice in this.

Darn it. This is actually delicious. It’s a fun blend of milk, sugar, cinnamon and nutmeg.

My issue is that this is clearly a Christmas drink out on shelves in October. There’s a snowy cabin on the label, Hood. You can’t fool me.

9) Pumpkin Pie M&Ms

These are great. That’s because they taste like normal M&Ms. I guess if you go poking around, there may be a little pumpkin spice at the end. Or that could be some pumpkin spice that’s still plastered to my tongue. My mouth is broken at this point.

10) Trader Joe’s Pumpkin Spiced Teeny Tiny Pretzels

I’ll give Trader Joe’s credit. These are, in fact, teeny tiny. They’re actually pretty fun. They’re light and snackable with a fall spice bend to the yogurt coating. I would gladly absent-mindedly eat a bag of this while watching “Survivor” reruns.

11) Campfire Pumpkin Spice Marshmallows

There’s not much pumpkin spice at all. It’s actually kind of hard to differentiate the pumpkin spice from the gritty sugar flavor.

There’s a little warmth from the spice. But it’s like a flavor mosquito hanging out in the background. It’s more pesky than anything.

12) Pumpkin Spice Twinkies

The cake tastes normal. The creme filling is a warm, spicy cloud. It’s a bit cartoonish in the flavoring. It just tastes weird, like the recipe for the creme was written in orange crayon.

13) Whole Foods Store-Brand Pumpkin Spice Cheesecake Sandwich Cremes

These are bizarre. There’s clearly a ton of sugar involved. But there’s not that much flavor.

Honestly, this feels like a waste of a good cookie. Well, I guess it’s more of a waste of a bad cookie.

14) Pumpkin Spice Milanos

They taste normal at first. But then the orange-hued riot of weird pumpkin flavor comes through on the back end.

Am I allergic to this? It kind of tastes like burning once I’m done chewing. My palate may never be the same after this.

15) Pumpkin Spice Drizzled Kettle Corn

These were OK at first. But then I noticed a weird, unidentified spice lingering somewhere here.

Whatever it is, it was not invited to the party. I think it’s allspice’s weird cousin.

The bag says, “If it isn’t pumpkin spice, I don’t want it.”

I want to know who said this. They need to be reported to the FBI.

16) Pumpkin Protein

This is generally just unpleasant. It feels like I shouldn’t be putting this into my body.

Hold on, I need to double-check this wasn’t pumpkin spice hand soap.

17) Pumpkin Caramels

I’m imagining the pitch meeting for this: “What if you took caramel, but left out all the good parts — like the flavor?”

This is nutmeg-infused goo that mucks up your mouth and tastes like soap. It even makes the chocolate taste bad. How do you make caramel and chocolate taste bad?

So are any of them good?

The Pumpkin Hummus is great, especially paired with the Pumpkin Tortilla Chips.

Besides that, I can only recommend the Pumpkin Spice Pumpkin Seeds and the Little Bites Pumpkin Muffins.

The final word

The moral of the story is that pumpkin spice is a scourge against the world.

We must stand together and fight back against the nutmeg menace that haunts our society.

For too long has this orange-tinged avalanche of asinine avarice poured onto store shelves in late summer.

Except for the Pumpkin Hummus. That can stay.

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“I ate it so you don’t have to” is a regular food column about offbeat eats, both good and bad. I picked the name years ago and now we’re sort of stuck with it.

You can send any praise/food suggestions to nomalley@masslive.com. Please send all criticisms and defenses of pumpkin spice to cmckenna@masslive.com. You can check out the rest of the series here.