Relationships are … complicated. Whether it be among friends, family, spouses or acquaintances, it can be hard to navigate others’ feelings, quirks and behavior. Some turn to trusted friends for advice. Some talk to a therapist.
Others — many, it would seem — turn to professional advice columnists, some in desperation or at their whit’s end as they face a really challenging problem; others on a lark, curious to know what a stranger has to say.
Jeanne Phillips has written the “Dear Abby” advice column for 25 years under the pen name Abigail Van Buren. The column was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips, in 1956.
Here are Dear Abby’s most popular advice columns on MassLive for 2025, in descending order:
Dear Abby: My son is 20 and a senior in college. He’s a baseball player and is about to ask the girl he’s been dating for a year and a half to marry him. My wife and I don’t get along with her at all.
She has a myriad of health problems and takes eight prescriptions a day. Because of her conditions, she rarely has the energy to do anything but lie around when she comes to our house. She used to have a job packing groceries at a market, and she would frequently log 10 to 12 miles a day walking. She quit that job for a job at an ice cream shop where she does little walking.
We had a get-together at my other son’s house, and she said she couldn’t come because she was too tired. My wife sent my son a message saying, “Really? From scooping ice cream?” The girlfriend needed to use my son’s phone and saw the message. Her feelings were hurt, and now she will have nothing to do with us. (They still expect us to pay for their wedding, and for gas and maintenance on his car to visit her parents almost daily.)
We want to support our son, but we are over it with her. There is so much more I could tell you. Please help.
—Dad who’s over it
Dear Dad: If your son’s fiancée is taking eight medications a day, she has real health problems. Her fatigue is likely part of it. It’s a shame she can’t perform up to your expectations. Under the circumstances, I can understand why she would be hurt by your wife’s comment. If you want to support your son, apologize to her.
I should also point out that if your son is not self-supporting, he is not yet financially prepared for the responsibilities that marriage brings with it. His fiancée may be willing to help, but her income is limited right now and could diminish to nothing if she becomes sicker. Given the current situation, it might be better if the wedding were postponed.
Dear Abby: I reconnected with my high school first love. Unfortunately, both of us were married. His wife didn’t win her battle with cancer and passed away. I eventually got a divorce. All through this time, we were intimate, spending as much time together as we could. (We live in different cities.)
It has been eight months since we reconnected, and I’m ready for a relationship. I know he’s nowhere near healed or close to ready to be in another relationship. This is the third time in our lives we have been brought together and couldn’t “be” together. I don’t know whether to let go or to wait. Please help.
—One Who Got Away
Dear One: Perhaps the third time will be the charm because you are now both single. While you may have to wait for this man to finish grieving for the wife to whom he was unfaithful, it may be time for an honest conversation about your feelings for him and whether he’s on the same page. It is important you both figure out whether this is the real thing or just another attempt to resurrect a teenage romance.
Dear Abby: My wife and I have been happily married for 15 years. My mother-in-law, “Pat,” a widow since 1997, has lived with us for the last 14 years. She lived alone in her own apartment when my wife and I first were married but was going through bouts of depression. I initially extended the offer to her to live with us until she got through her depression, and I mentioned it would be for only a year or two.
Well, 14 years later, I am preparing for retirement, and Pat thinks she’s coming with my wife and me to our retirement dream home. How can I politely address this? I no longer want to live with my MIL. I have been generous to have allowed her to stay with us this long.
Any arguments my wife and I have had for the most part have been because of Pat’s interference. We both agree on this fact. My wife and I get along well and compromise on just about everything. Pat is healthy and young enough to still be independent. She’s also mobile enough to travel daily to run her errands. Please help me to express that it is overdue for her to move on and allow my wife and me the space to retire together peacefully.
—Making a change in the east
Dear Making a Change,
You stated that your mother-in-law expects to live with you and her daughter in your new place, which indicates that the subject has been discussed to some extent. Another “family conference” is now in order, the sooner the better.
You and your wife must explain that because you will be moving, it is time for Pat to find a place of her own. Expect that there will be some resistance, so offer to help her find a place and assist with the move. After 14 years, it’s time. Better late than never.
Dear Abby: I lost my husband in the middle of last summer. He had a long illness with strokes and Alzheimer’s, and he was horrible to me. Out of our entire 40 years of marriage, we had only four good ones.
Over the last three years, a gentleman from work would help with things around the house that my husband could no longer do. He would talk to both of us and then go on his way. I took care of my husband 24/7 for the last two years of his life.
I see this man at work all the time. He lost his daughter around the same time I lost my husband. We carpooled and talked a lot. I bought him a tree this year for Christmas with presents (everyone in the vanpool gets presents).
The day after Christmas, we celebrated together. We have been together every day since. He treats me well. My children adore him. My only hang-up is that because he hasn’t dated for more than 20 years, he isn’t very affectionate. Other than that, he’s great to me. If I mention that I like anything, he’ll buy it for me.
Do I take a man who has a hard time kissing and hugging me because he shows affection in other ways, or should I move on? I have lots of family, so even though I would be alone, I would never be lonely.
— Wondering in the West
Dear Wondering: The man you have been seeing has a lot going for him. I don’t know why he isn’t affectionate, and neither, it appears, do you. Please have a calm, straightforward chat with him. Tell him how terrific you think he is, but the fact that he’s not physically affectionate (describe exactly what you mean by that) is a problem for you. He may not know how or not be able to give you what you’re looking for, but it would be a shame to end the relationship over anything that was unsaid.
Dear Abby: My wife and I are retired seniors. We live in a beautiful two-story house we built 14 years ago. At the time, we thought it would be our final home, but in my opinion, it no longer meets our needs. I want to move and downsize. The problem is that my wife doesn’t.
Throughout our 50 years of marriage, we have lived in four houses, and each time I wanted to move, she did not. She becomes emotionally attached to a house. I have explained to her that we need a one-story house or condo closer to our kids, who live across town. Just bringing up the subject gets her very upset. I believe I will die before she does. It would give me peace knowing that after my funeral, she would return home and not be faced with a lot of problems. When I die, our children are going to want her to move closer anyway. She will then have to coordinate and handle the move on her own—a massive job even with the help of our two sons. I could easily take the position that I’ll be gone, so what do I care, but I do care. I have looked out for her our entire marriage, and I would like to finish the job.
Advice?
—Hero Husband in Ohio
Dear Hero Husband: I do have some. You signed your letter “Hero Husband,” but hasn’t it occurred to you that in your zeal to take care of and protect your wife, you may have infantilized her? Her feelings on this subject should be respected. Many widows (may it be many, many years before she becomes one unless she dies first) find strength and resourcefulness they didn’t know they had after the death of their husbands. What happens to this house should be a family decision, not yours alone.
Dear Abby: I’m in an eight-month relationship with a man who is a sexy good dancer. (I’m also a good dancer.) My dilemma is, he attracts a lot of female attention on the dance floor, and sometimes women aggressively come up and dance next to us, vying for his attention (which we usually ignore). Most of the time, I pay them no attention, but it sometimes affects our enjoyment because I get annoyed.
He says he knows why I feel this way with some and that I should deal with it however I’d like to. He doesn’t actively pursue the advances, and I know we’re in love, but I’d like your advice on how to handle it. I’m astonished at how some women ignore boundaries when you’re obviously in a relationship. Men don’t do this to me.
—Bothered in the West
Dear Bothered,
Your boyfriend is already doing his best to ignore the advances he receives. Unless you are ready to tell the hussies to “Back off, Honey, he’s MINE!” follow his lead. Yes, some women are aggressive, tasteless, and seemingly desperate. You can’t change them, and neither can I, but you can change the way you react to a situation you can’t control.
Dear Abby: I made a terrible mistake moving 2,000 miles across the country to be closer to my grandchildren.
In the past, I have always noticed my son and daughter-in-law treating the other grandparents better. They roll out the red carpet for my daughter-in-law’s parents. They arrange outings with them, take photos and post the special grandchild-grandparent moments on Facebook.
No one takes photos of me doing the same things with the grandchildren. It is also hard to do things with them because my daughter-in-law is always rushing them to do something else. It’s like she wants her parents to be the only ones who have a special relationship with the grandkids.
I feel sick to my stomach every day. In the past, I couldn’t take off work to travel for visits like the other grandparents, so I missed out on a lot. I thought by moving here I would stop feeling like an outsider with my grandchildren.
I am single and still working, and although this was a major disruption to my life, it was a sacrifice I thought was worth making for the joy of being a more involved grandparent. But not much has changed. What do you think?
—Outsider in Tennessee
Dear Outsider: That queasy feeling you describe may be anxiety. This is something you should discuss with your son. Before I render any judgments, it would have been helpful to know if you discussed your “possible” move to Tennessee with him and his wife to see how they felt about it. Or did you simply announce you were coming? If they welcomed the idea but haven’t included you, shame on them.
Family counseling might help smooth things out if they are willing. If they aren’t, and you aren’t able to forge the kind of relationship you want with your grandchildren, consider making another move—somewhere where you are wanted and not so isolated.
Dear Abby: My sister, brother and I lost our mom to dementia six months ago. We needed to start cleaning out the house. My brother, who lives in assisted living, was unable to help.
When I mentioned to my sister that I was going to start cleaning out the kitchen, she told me she didn’t want me there alone. I told her when a person offers to help, the polite thing to say is thank you. Well, she hasn’t spoken to me in the last five months. She and her husband have taken to cleaning out the house on their own.
I know my sister has personality disorders. Her doctor told that to my mom from the time sis was a teen. She won’t take my calls. I have apologized 100 times. What now?
—Sad Sister in Arizona
Dear Sad Sister: When someone with a personality disorder is also suffering from an emotional stressor such as grief, they are, to put it mildly, not at their best.
Did your sister object to you going to the house because she was afraid you would take something without telling her? Did your mother leave a will describing what she wanted you, your sister, and your brother to have in the event of her death? What is supposed to be done with the house and its contents?
Because your sister won’t accept or answer your calls, seek out a lawyer for guidance.
Dear Abby: My daughter-in-law is very opinionated. At times, we get along. But, in the past, she has upset me by accusing me of not doing the right thing. She and my son have two young children together and full custody of his son from another mother.
I complimented my grandson on looking after his little sister at her birthday party and was told that this wasn’t the case, as she was being bullied by the other girls while he stood by and watched. My grandson has been through a lot, and I got upset and said to my son, “Perhaps you need to consider the partners you choose!” Bear in mind, this was all done via text.
I have given help with my grandchildren whenever it was requested. My daughter-in-law is now accusing me of preferring my grandson over her children, which is not the case. We now have a fractured relationship and can’t seem to resolve it. Please, can you help?
—Fractured in Australia
Dear Fractured: Your grandchildren all share the same father, regardless of who their mothers are. Your grandson could have handled the bullying problem better than he did, but he may not have known how to step in. (Or may not have felt he was strong enough to intervene.)
If you weren’t fully aware of what was going on, you couldn’t have known the compliment you gave the boy was unwarranted. However, for you to have told your son what you did about his wife was insulting and unkind. Begin apologizing profusely to her and your son for losing your temper and saying something so hurtful. If you do, it may begin to heal the breach.
Dear Abby: I was with the same man for 36 years, but I divorced him three years ago because of his gambling problems. We came to this country 27 years ago, and ever since then, I have been working and providing for us. He never paid any bills. He was very controlling and pretty much did whatever he pleased. I guess I was so busy trying to make a better life for our son, I didn’t realize how bad it was.
Our son is now 33. There is no relationship between them. He refuses to talk to his father. We were divorced but still living together, and he was giving me only $500 a month (he’s a truck driver). When I got breast cancer two years ago, he was so mean to me after my first chemo that I had to tell him to leave. We weren’t in contact for almost a year until he saw me one day in a store (I had no hair and had gained 45 pounds). He looked shocked and started crying. Since then, we are talking, and he wants to come back. My son is against it. He thinks his dad just wants a safe haven. We are from the same hometown, and it’s hard not to have people gossip. I survived cancer, but this is confusing, and I don’t know what to do. Deep down, I know he will never change, but …
—Stay or go in Florida
Dear Stay or Go: Your ex-husband abandoned you while you were in treatment for cancer. Please, for your own sake, listen to your son. He is giving you good advice. Rather than preoccupying yourself with what people from your old hometown might say, live in the here and now. Remind yourself why you divorced your husband. He was controlling, was a problem gambler, didn’t contribute financially, and did whatever he pleased without regard to you. Cherish and nurture relationships that are mutual, and you will be much happier.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O.Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
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