Relationships are … complicated. Whether it be among friends, family, spouses or acquaintances, it can be hard to navigate others’ feelings, quirks and behavior. Some turn to trusted friends for advice. Some talk to a therapist.
Others — many, it would seem — turn to professional advice columnists, some in desperation or at their whit’s end as they face a really challenging problem; others on a lark, curious to know what a stranger has to say.
R. Eric Thomas is a national bestselling author, playwright and screenwriter who has offered readers his honest and often humorous take on their issues in his column “Asking Eric” since 2024.
Here are Asking Eric’s most popular advice columns on MassLive for 2025, in descending order:
Dear Eric: I recently hired a painter whom I’ve hired before. He told me to text him my colors, and he collected the paint from the paint store.
I was home while he painted and noticed that the name of the ceiling paint was different from what I asked for, but I understand that names can change. I liked the color, so I didn’t think much about it.
But for the walls of a bedroom, the paint color was clearly wrong, and I hate the look of it now. I didn’t see the final work until it was done.
I asked if this was the color I ordered, and he said yes. I paid off the contract, and he left.
Then I went to stow the paint cans in the garage and realized that the ceiling paint and the bedroom wall paint were each wrong. Their codes were one digit off from what I actually wanted. When I asked him about it, he said the paint store gave him the wrong paint and admitted that he didn’t check the cans.
Who’s ultimately at fault here? I feel like I am, since I’m the project owner. But I admit I am rankled at having to eat the cost of having the room repainted, as it will likely cost me $500.
Is this just a live and learn situation? The paint store and painter bear no responsibility here? The painter’s contract has no verbiage about liability for errors of any kind.
— Painted Over
Dear Painted Over: He should have checked the product he was receiving before he left the store. The store is “at fault” for giving him the wrong code (if they were the ones who mistyped, and not him). But part of providing good service is making sure that you’ve got the right tools. Sometimes mistakes can’t be painted over, but in this case, they literally can. He should have offered to fix his mistake, if not for free, then for a discount.
Dear Eric: I’m in my 70s and have a friend who’s been part of our group of friends for many years. I’ve always had an issue with how she treats my husband and me when we visit. When we enter her home, we are instantly inundated with her stories and complaints without even so much as a “Hey, how are you guys?” We feel ignored because of her need to constantly talk about herself.
I decided to tell her how I felt. I admit I’d had a couple of glasses of courage, and my timing probably wasn’t that great. I “let her have it,” expressing my belief that she needs to work on her hosting skills and the tendency of being narcissistic and ignoring her guests. I did this all the while inserting, “we love you guys” to hopefully let her understand my comments were coming from a place of genuine affection and concern.
She turned on me, calling me pompous and arrogant. Needless to say, we are not friendly right now. It’s very awkward since we live across the street from each other and have a common group of people we socialize with. I never wanted to have this end like it has, but what’s done is done. I know I’m most likely the primary reason this is happening. I could have chosen a neutral location and talked with her about why I needed to have this conversation. My bad.
I’m hoping you might have recommendations on what I should do now that I’ve said my piece, and she is highly resentful.
—Friendship Faux Pas
Dear Friendship: If you would prefer to have things smoothed over – at least to the point of pleasantries – you can tell her what you told me. “I chose the wrong time and the wrong words. I know that I hurt your feelings and I’m sorry.”
A lot of your complaints were gripes about who she is as a person. Even if you’re right, it’s easy to see why she’d be resentful. It also seems that your opinion still stands – which doesn’t bode well for reconciliation.
Still, I think you should reach out to acknowledge what you felt was wrong about your reaction. What’s done may well be done, but you have the opportunity to clean up your side of the street before parting for good.
Dear Eric: Sarah and I have been friends for 20 years. In that time, our families have become close, even going on holiday together several times.
Initially, I was also a stay-at-home mom, like she is, but now I hold a job where I keep very long hours and am responsible for the welfare of more than a hundred very vulnerable people.
I have tried to keep in touch, even as my life has become busier, and it tends to fall to me to organize get-togethers.
In the last year, I have experienced the loss of a parent. Now I am supporting my remaining parent, who is in rapidly declining health, as well as paying bills and arranging home care. This requires frequent visits several hundred miles away. My husband has also had significant health concerns and has required a great deal of support. Sarah is aware of all of this.
Two months ago, I received a text from Sarah berating me for my lack of attention. She said that if we could make time for each other when the kids were small and life was busier, then she didn’t understand why I wasn’t making time for her now. Eric, my life has never been so busy!
I replied as kindly as I could, and offered several suggestions for us to catch up, including inviting her to my home for dinner. I have had no response since.
My instinct is telling me that this isn’t friendship, and that I should quietly walk away and focus on the many other worries and responsibilities that I have. Sarah is very volatile — she once cut me off for more than a year due to an imaginary slight. However, I really do care about Sarah, and I am worried that she is genuinely hurting.
Am I in the wrong here? Should I try again to reach out? Or do I accept that more than 20 years of friendship are now over?
—Overwhelmed
Dear Overwhelmed: Trust your instincts. Sarah may, indeed, be hurting, but it isn’t because of anything you’ve done. Moreover, by taking that hurt out on you, she’s created chaos when what you need is care. She’s not being a good friend right now and I’m sorry for that because you need a friend. What you’re going through is incredibly tough and taxing. These periods in our lives require the empathy and active support of those who love us.
Though it’s unfair, take her recent silence as a gift. At some point, when you have more bandwidth, you may want to talk with her about how her behavior affected you. And I hope she’s able to make amends. But right now, focus your energy on people who can show up for you and help you carry your load.
Dear Eric: I am a clergy person with a comfortable office/study at the church building. I love the space. It’s where the great bulk of my work gets done. I also love my wife.
But she is pretty boundaryless regarding my office space. This is problematic for a few reasons. One is that I often have confidential information about parishioners on my desk. Sometimes, notes on financial aid we’ve given or notes on a pastoral counseling situation.
These things are not lying out in the open, but my spouse will come into the office and, as she talks, will casually flip through paperwork on my desk. It’s not cool.
I understand that the pastor’s office/study is a unique space where many people come and expect to feel right at home, but she is constantly coming in, moving things, using it for her own storage, or making “suggestions” or criticisms about the decor. (In general, her things expand to fill the available space at home and in her classroom, too.)
I’ve tried every kind way I can to address the concern I have with all of this. But it leads to defensiveness and arguments. What advice would you give a guy who just wants his office to be his office?
—Seeking Sanctuary
Dear Sanctuary: Put a lock on the door. If you’ve got confidential material in the office, it’s probably a good idea for it to be secured, anyway.
I’m a little hazy about why she has so much access to the office — is she coming from home to the church on a regular basis? Or do you also live at the church? Either way, it’s simply not communal married property; it belongs to your job. She can respect that or she can learn how to pick a lock.
That said, a lock only solves part of the problem. The larger issue is that your wife is showing a profound lack of respect for your job, your space, and the privacy of your parishioners. This is dangerous for your church and also for your marriage.
At this point, I’d suggest you talk it through in marriage counseling. If she’s responding with defensiveness about moving things into your office and looking at papers, you’ve asked her not to, it’s hard to see a path forward without a neutral third party who can help sort out what’s going on.
As you well know, a counselor can help you both hear each other more clearly and, ideally, can help her see the problem and choose other behaviors.
Dear Eric: My spouse, 87, and I, 84, live in a three-bedroom condo near a popular beach with many attractions. When we were younger, we housed guests frequently. We cannot move from our home, and we do all our own housekeeping without outside help (which we cannot afford). We’ve tried to reduce our active living space. We are in very good shape for our ages but still we are 87 and 84.
Requests for accommodation keep coming. A relative who lives on the beachfront and lost power during a storm thought perhaps he and his wife could stay with us “just until power is restored.” An old friend asked if he and his wife (who has advanced dementia) could stay with us for his grandson’s wedding because they could not find space nearby.
We don’t want to be rude, but we are too old to try to host overnight guests under non-emergency circumstances, especially guests with medical problems. A reply of “sorry, that’s not possible” is met sometimes with questions or pushback, offers to cook breakfast, et cetera. Help! We’d like to keep good relations.
— Old and Frustrated
Dear Frustrated: The pushback really gets my goat because 1) no is a complete sentence and 2) no one should feel emboldened enough to haggle with you about whether they can stay at your house.
The requests seem innocuous enough, but they need to respect your answer. If your friends aren’t taking no for an answer, they have an issue with respecting your boundaries, your time, and your generosity. That’s a problem that’s on them.
And if they let it sour the relationship, there’s little you can do short of letting them have what they want. And I’d argue, if they come stay even though they know it’s a burden for you, the relationship is still sour.
One solution is to preemptively tell friends and family that your capacity has changed and, after years of happy hosting, you’re now happily “homing” and, while people are welcome to stop in to visit for a day, you’re not able to welcome overnight visitors anymore.
Though you’ve told people this in response to a request in the past, it’s possible that hearing a broad declaration (perhaps in a holiday letter), will prevent them from asking in the future. And if not, you can always point to the declaration with your kind but firm no.
Dear Eric: I am a 60-something man who struggled for decades, working multiple jobs at a time. Many of those jobs were physically brutal, but thanks to a generous family inheritance late last year I’m finally able to rest my beaten and broken body and retire with my arthritis meds and pending joint replacements.
My wife of eight months, who is physically whole and energetic, and who never held a paying job, wants us to spend my inheritance to live in “active seniors” retirement like those graying couples in AARP and prescription meds commercials: mountain climbing, volunteering to build houses, running marathons, kite-skiing, etcetera.
Here’s what I want to do every day: Take my daily two-mile morning walk or pedal my bike about 10 miles, swim my laps at the YMCA, take a nap, then spend the next 10 hours writing, reading and catching up with all those long-ago movies and TV series I missed due to 70-hour work weeks and having to learn new jobs for so many years.
Help?
—Peaceful Retirement
Dear Retirement: Congratulations on moving into this well-deserved next chapter. On the surface, it seems like you can do both. Were you to move into an active retirement community, your wife could scale Everest while you read a book.
However, the newness of your union and the mentions of the inheritance ring a tiny alarm bell. Is this really about differing visions for how you’ll spend your days, or is this an indication of a misalignment about money?
Your view of the inheritance is linked to the hard work you’ve put in over your career. It’s a windfall that makes so many things possible, things that you might have spent a long time wishing for but always seemed out of reach. You’ll be disappointed or resentful if you don’t honor that dream in some part.
Have a frank, honest conversation with your wife about the values each of you places on money. Besides retirement plans, do you have the same dreams? Do you understand money the same way? What is her plan for financial stability? If it’s just your inheritance, does that work for you?
Laying a foundation around finances will help you make the decision about retirement and support the long-term health of your marriage.
Dear Eric: My husband and I have been married for 40 years. He has two adult sons in their 60s,What is unfair and shortsighted is his request that you give him a sum of money large enough to potentially destabilize your lives should your health decline or you need more extensive care as you age. and I have an adult daughter in her 50s. Over the years we have helped one son, who has two children, and my daughter, who has one child, while they were going through divorces with large sums of money in order for them to keep their houses. We have contributed to all three grandkids, with college 529 funds.
The other son has never married, has no children, owns his own condo, and has a good-paying job, and spends all of it on whatever he fancies. He has a longtime girlfriend who supports herself. She stays with him a day or two a week.
He feels that we should “gift” him the same amount of money that we have given the other two children, which would be more than $20,000.
Financially, we could do it, but we are 76 and 87 and are concerned about future health issues or other unanticipated issues that may arise. What should we do?
— Unsure About the Future
Dear Unsure: Your son is trying to treat an emotional quandary as if it’s a ledger that needs balancing. Your generosity to his siblings in times of need has nothing to do with him. But, as siblings are wont to do, it’s not surprising that he’s comparing their lives to his and asking for “fairness.” This isn’t the same as a parent bringing two young children home a tasty treat from a business trip and neglecting a third. And even though it may feel to him like he’s getting the short end of the stick, his feelings are his responsibility. He’s not owed this money. (And it’s not because he can afford to do without it. It’s because it’s not his money. It’s yours!)
What is unfair and shortsighted is his request that you give him a sum of money large enough to potentially destabilize your lives should your health decline or you need more extensive care as you age. This stability needs to be the priority. Tell him that you have concerns about the future and, before he can further decide what you’re going to do with your money, tell him that you’re working with a financial adviser and/or estate planner to provide for yourselves and, eventually, for him. And then do actually seek out the advice of a professional for now, for later, and for after you’re gone.
As you make decisions about your estate, you can share that information with your children, if you want. This may help them to manage their expectations and emotions. You can be transparent about your thought process. But if your son is keeping tabs on what checks you’ve written to his siblings, that’s not a problem you are responsible for fixing.
Dear Eric: My husband and I are seniors. We no longer host Thanksgiving and other holidays, as our youngest son has taken that on willingly. I still prepare a variety of dishes and baked goods which we take to his home.
He has a lovely, blended family now, and everyone converges to enjoy food and time together. It gets very loud, especially when the younger adults become more “animated” as they consume alcohol, which can become overwhelming, but we just roll with it.
This past Thanksgiving, a good friend of ours suffered a terrible loss. She was going to be alone, so we invited her to spend the holiday at our home. I told my son and his wife and offered to host the whole group, stay home with a party of three, or bring our friend along.
Their response was “the more the merrier.”
Now, after the fact, I am getting snarky comments from my son and daughter-in-law about how quiet my friend was and how she didn’t fit in. This friend expressed how much she enjoyed the holiday, even though it was very noisy, but insinuated she’d like a return invitation.
I told my son, and he suggested that I just say no. I told my son we could always stay home while the friend visits. He indicated it wasn’t acceptable because “who would make the sides and bake?” I have no qualms about sending sides and baked goods if our friend returns. But I don’t like being put in a position of feeling like I have to choose between helping a friend and the big group. Your thoughts?
— Return Invitation
Dear Invitation: Your son’s reaction is needlessly callous, to you and to your friend. Surely, he wants you there for more than just your sides and baked goods. (Also, not for nothing, but Thanksgiving is a meal dominated by sides. Are you basically making and transporting the whole feast, sans turkey?)
I’d revisit this conversation with your son, letting him know how his comments felt to you. Tell him that the only sides you’re choosing are food-related. And see if he’ll change.
The family togetherness is wonderful, but if the boisterousness is overwhelming and the invitation comes with more small print than a car commercial, it might be time to take a year off.
I can’t imagine one quiet person in a full house could really bring down the mood. If it did, perhaps the blame falls more squarely on the hosts than the guest.
Dear Eric: My 15-year-old grandson moved in with me about seven months ago. We are fine together but his mom refuses to allow him to go to a “brick and mortar” school. He has Marfan Syndrome and must be careful of his heart. But he was removed from public school and really wants to be a more normal kid.
My daughter apparently gets her medical for her whole family covered under my grandson. She wrote to him saying if he goes to a school here where I live then he’d have to use my address and he’d be responsible for her dying, her dad going mental, and his older sister hemorrhaging all because they’d lose their medical if he lived with me.
My daughter says my grandson and I are both selfish to want his “social life” over his family’s health.
Might I add that there are four adults in the house and when my grandson was there, he slept in a closet! Is there any option besides turning her in to CPS?
—Protective Grandmother
Dear Protective Grandmother: It’s not clear to me what, if any, legal arrangements have been made so far regarding custody of your grandchild. That feels like an important factor here, considering he is living with you, and you’ll need to be responsible for many decisions regarding his care. Grandparents’ rights to visitation and custody vary by state. Start by familiarizing yourself with your state’s laws. See if filing for custody is something that you can do. It’s advisable to talk to a family law attorney, if you can. They’ll also be able to advise you about any stipulations regarding your grandson’s schooling and your current family arrangement.
It’s not appropriate for your daughter to make your grandson feel responsible for his family’s medical coverage. And I’m not certain how she’s pulling this off in the first place. Fraud (if it is fraud) would endanger your grandson’s medical coverage, too, so speaking with the insurance provider and clarifying what’s covered may also be an option for you, should you gain custody. Knowing your rights and responsibilities will better equip you to protect your grandson and set him up for success.
Dear Eric: I saw a similarity between my parents and “Overwhelmed,” who wrote that hosting all the holidays and special occasions was getting to be too much. You gave the writer several good suggestions. I thought I’d add what my parents did about 10 years ago, when they were in their 70s. They said to my siblings and me, “We have enjoyed hosting for all these years, but it has become too much for us. Moving forward, please work out among yourselves who will host. We will be delighted to show up and bring whatever (dish, wine, et cetera) you ask.”
It’s not the same as it used to be, of course, but it’s OK for traditions to change. We love our parents, and they’ve earned the rest. We can step up and take turns hosting among the siblings.
— The Next Generation
Dear Generation: Shout it from the rooftops: it’s OK for traditions to change! I love this. And kudos to your parents for being willing to change and being willing to ask for what they need. It empowers everyone to show up better and more conscientiously and keeps the tradition from petering out.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
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