The 2024 New England Patriots season is upon us and — oh boy — expectations are low.
I had them going 7-10 in our MassLive staff picks and I came out looking like the unhinged optimist.
This might be a long season. Fortunately, there’s a lot more to talk about than just football — like jerseys.
Patriots-Bengals anti-analysis
I’m not here to analyze the Patriots game this Sunday. That sounds like actual work Chris Mason, Mark Daniels, Karen Guregian or Matt Vautour would do (suckers). Instead, I’m here to point out 5-10 observations and general tidbits that have at least a tangential connection to Sunday’s game.
What the Patriots jersey you wear says about you – 2024 edition.
Right now, the Patriots are in a weird spot where they don’t have a lot of superstar players. Sure, Drake Maye is the future of the franchise. But outside of that, if you’re buying a jersey, who do you get?
There are plenty of jerseys out there already among fans — representing players past and present. The jersey a fan picks says a lot about them. It’s a significant financial investment that is often the first thing strangers notice about you. It’s a sort of personality test that I write about every year.
Here’s what the Patriots jersey you wear says about you in 2024:
Tom Brady, No. 12 – I mean, have you seen this roster? What are you gonna do, get a current player’s jersey?
Drake Maye, No. 10 – This is the new default jersey purchase. Bonus points if you figured out how to swap out the nameplate from “Jones” to “Maye.”
Mac Jones, No. 10 – You’ve spent hours online arguing with strangers that he was just about to turn things around.
Cam Newton, No. 1 – You’ve been telling people for years they should have kept Newton as the starter instead of Mac Jones. Now who’s laughing?
Jacoby Brissett, No. 14 – “What do you mean he changed his number!?”
Jacoby Brissett, No. 7 – You either had a jersey lying around from his first stint in New England or bought a new jersey in the past week or so. Either way, I’m impressed.
Bailey Zappe, No. 4 – For about a month in 2022, this seemed like a great purchase.
Joe Milton III, No. 19 – You start way too many conversations with, “You hear what they said on ‘Felger & Mazz’ today?”
Jerod Mayo, No. 51 – For a while, you referred to 2005-2013 as “the hard years” in New England.
Vince Wilfork, No. 75 – You have good taste. You have other fans come up to you and say, “Hey, Wilfork! Nice jersey.”
Ben Coates, No. 87 – You have great taste. You have other fans come up to you and say, “Hey, Ben Coates! Now there’s a player who doesn’t get enough love.”
Rhamondre Stevenson, No. 38 – You drafted Stevenson for your fantasy team at least a round earlier than projections told you to.
Matthew Judon, No. 9 – Oh come on! Why couldn’t they just pay the man? Now what are you going to do with that red long-sleeved shirt?
David Andrews, No. 60 – You’ve had multiple conversations about how underrated Matt Light and Dan Koppen were.
Christian Gonzalez, No. 6 – The good news: You hopped on the hype train early last year. The bad news: This isn’t his number anymore.
Christian Gonzalez, No. 0 – You’re really worried about the stories coming out that he’s struggled in training camp.
Kyle Dugger, No. 23 – You’re ecstatic that the team finally re-signed a core player and your purchase didn’t go to waste.
Marcus Jones, No. 25 – You have to explain to strangers which “Jones” this jersey belongs to.
Hunter Henry, No. 85 – “No, you don’t get it. This is finally going to be the year the Patriots get that two-tight end passing attack going.”
Kendrick Bourne, No. 84 – You’re happy the team didn’t trade him. But now you’re going to spend the first half of the season worried that they’re going to trade him.
Rob Gronkowski, No. 87 – You and your buddies have formulated a perfect system to purchase the ideal amount of Bud Lights before they cut off alcohol sales at games.
Jakobi Meyers, No. 16 – You still can’t believe the team signed JuJu Smith-Schuster over him last offseason.
Steve Grogan, No. 14 – You think anyone who can’t name three Patriots who played before the 2000 season can’t call themselves real fans.
John Hannah, No. 73 – “These fair-weather fans think things are bad now? They should have seen what it was like in the early 70s!”
Ty Law, No. 24 – You think Peyton Manning isn’t as good as the media says he is.
Randy Moss, No. 81 – No player has ever caused you more emotional harm than playoff Eli Manning.
Matthew Slater, No. 18 – You have strong feelings about the new kickoff rules.
Tyquan Thornton, No. 11 – “Why are you laughing? I’m telling you. This is his breakout year. Did you see the videos of him working with the receivers coach? I’m telling you. This is different from N’Keal Harry.”
N’Keal Harry, No. 1 – You don’t want to talk about it.
Ja’Lynn Polk, No. 1 – You’re going to spend a lot of time being the only person in the room thinking the Patriots will score on a given drive.
Jabrill Peppers, No. 5 – You’re mad that ESPN got rid of the “Jacked Up” segment.
Mike Vrabel, No. 50 – You think they should try out Marcus Jones on offense again. They should also play Jabrill Peppers at running back like he did in college.
Antonio Brown, No. 17 – You wear this to parties and walk up to people in hopes that they react to this jersey. You think it’s hilarious. It is not.
Tedy Bruschi, No. 54 – Sure, the team isn’t expected to be that good this year. But you won six Super Bowls since 2000. Things have been pretty good.
Rob Ninkovich, No. 50 – You believe this team will rue the day they got rid of Bill Belichick.
Curtis Martin, No. 28 – You’re not surprised the team traded Matthew Judon. They’ve been cheap on players for years!
If you have any gripes about which players I did not list, please send them to jpignati@masslive.com.
Bill Belichick has an Instagram account. Tom Brady has jokes.
The former Patriots coach surprised many by creating an account on what he calls “Instaface.”
Tom Brady joined in on the fun of reacting to Belichick’s sudden emergence on social media.
“All right guys, party’s over. Bill’s here. It was a good run, but we gotta shut it down,” Brady said before adding one sincere line.
“Welcome, coach.”
The “He’s On That Team Now?” Player of the Week: OT Trent Brown.
Raise your hand if you forgot Trent Brown went to the Bengals this offseason.
I sure did.
Name of the Week: DE Isaiah Thomas
That would be Bengals practice squader Isaiah Thomas, a third-year player out of Oklahoma.
That’s not to be confused with former Celtics player Isaiah Thomas.
That’s also not to be confused with the NBA’s other Isiah Thomas, the one who was on those 80s Detroit Pistons teams.
