Dear Annie: Five weeks ago, my brother-in-law (23 years old) moved out of the psychiatric facility he was staying in after causing a scene and breaking property. My husband received a call from him saying he needed to be picked up, which my husband did, and we now have had to pay for my brother-in-law to stay in a local hotel until we can find him an apartment.
We don’t have room at our home, and my mother-in-law has refused to help, saying she has too much on her plate with her youngest son, who has autism. We have spent at least $3,000 the past five weeks with the hotel, food and application fees/down payments for apartments.
I try to express my frustration and worry about our financial future to my husband, who gets mad because he doesn’t want to abandon his brother. I fear having to take financial responsibility for my brother-in-law long-term. We have a 4-year-old daughter and now have problems paying our own bills and necessities for our family. We both work full time, and one-third of our paychecks each week are now going to provide for my brother-in-law. Please tell me I’m not crazy for wanting to tell my BIL to figure it out himself and we should focus on our little family.
— Spread Too Thin
Dear Spread Too Thin: You don’t need to leave your BIL high and dry, but you do need to communicate your limits.
Sit down with your husband and come up with a plan. Determine how much you can comfortably spend to support his brother, without sacrificing the needs of your own family, and a timeline for when that support will end. With a deadline in mind, your brother-in-law should be motivated to kick his apartment search into high gear. If your brother-in-law is unwilling to help himself, then you are only wasting your own time, energy and money by continuing to offer support.
Dear Annie: I just read the letter and your response to “A Concerned Granddaughter,” who is worried about her grandmother’s driving. We are quickly getting to a similar stage with my in-laws, and there is a resource we have in our area that allows a third party to get involved who is sensitive to the particular issues, besides the police. The organization is called Driving to Independence. They assess drivers of all kinds and help them to remain independent, where possible. They are located in Arizona and New Mexico, but there could be similar agencies in her area. I’d suggest your reader see if she might have something similar to help her out!
— Grateful for Resources
Dear Grateful: Thank you for spreading the word about this organization. I am printing your letter for the readers who are facing similar struggles with an aging parent or grandparent’s driving abilities.
“How Can I Forgive My Cheating Partner?” is out now! Annie Lane’s second anthology — featuring favorite columns on marriage, infidelity, communication and reconciliation — is available as a paperback and e-book. Visit http://www.creatorspublishing.com for more information. Send your questions for Annie Lane to dearannie@creators.com.
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