It’s been a long journey for my wife and me. I left grad school, and we got married in 2008, just as the economy collapsed. It took us a while to get our careers going. After 10 years of struggle, we moved to a new state for new jobs. Right before the pandemic, my wife started working on her teaching degree. During all of this, our oldest child had behavior issues, and our youngest was young and hyper and wouldn’t fall asleep at a reasonable hour.
We’ve struggled with things like “us time,” date nights, etc. Many weekends we don’t even leave the house. On top of that, she’s had a chronic illness, which we just now have under control. We’ve made mistakes in our relationship. We’ve been stressed, and this year we decided that if we could plan ahead, then we could have work as well as life outside of work.
A few weeks into that, and it’s too much for her. She has bipolar II disorder, so it could be bipolar fatigue. This weekend, she hit a wall of burnout and told me she had to scale back on things—no more outings. Doing a birthday thing for me this month was too much for her. I had a huge work victory and wanted to be celebrated, but that has to be delayed, too, as it’s too much for her.
I do all the driving, most of the cooking, and half the laundry. I help with the cleaning, and I get the kids to all their activities. We are behind on things like dentist appointments. We are struggling to keep up, and it feels like 1) I’m expected to take on more so she’s not overwhelmed and 2) The things she needs to scale back on are all related to how she sees or appreciates me.
I love this person. She has the best laugh, the sharpest mind, and is so talented. She’s a great mom. I love having her in my life, but I don’t know how to navigate the burnout and how to hold the idea that the thing she needs to do to be healthy is to not hold space for me.
In the past, I’ve jumped into helping mode: How can we make things easier, how can we take things off her plate, what resources can I find? But so much of what I suggest falls on deaf ears or isn’t reciprocated. I’m all out of ideas.
—At a Loss
Dear At a Loss: It’s clear that you care deeply for your wife and your children. And while it’s great to be supportive, don’t lose sight of your own needs; your well-being will directly impact hers.
Bipolar II can make consistency difficult, and burnout is real. Scaling back may feel to her like a lifeline, even though it comes at the cost of you feeling valued and supported.
Now more than ever, it’s important not to give up on setting aside “us time” for the two of you—even if it’s only 30 minutes a week, hanging out at home. It’s important that you remain on the same team and don’t let resentment build.
You should also reach out for outside support. If you have a family member or nanny to assist in child care, then great, but if not, take advantage of free or low-cost child care offered at schools, churches, or nonprofits like a YMCA or Boys & Girls Club. Additionally, a couples counselor can help you two figure out a sustainable plan moving forward.
“How Can I Forgive My Cheating Partner?” is out now! Annie Lane’s second anthology — featuring favorite columns on marriage, infidelity, communication and reconciliation — is available as a paperback and e-book. Visit http://www.creatorspublishing.com for more information. Send your questions for Annie Lane to dearannie@creators.com.
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