Dear Annie: I’ve had a friend for over 30 years whom I’ve always helped out. I provided him with work when he needed money, loaned him money, and supported him through his divorce and various other issues over the years. I was always happy to do so and never expected anything in return.
A couple of years ago, he was selling some furniture that I was interested in buying. I offered to purchase the pieces I wanted, but he insisted on selling everything as a set, which I understood. Recently, I asked him about the furniture again, and to my surprise, he told me he had given it away to his neighbors—people he’s only known for a few years. I was shocked but didn’t say anything at the time because I didn’t want to overreact. What puzzled me even more was that he needed money, and the amount I would have paid him could have helped him out, yet he chose to give it away for nothing.
A mutual friend of ours was also shocked when he heard what happened. When he asked our friend about it, he simply said he gave the furniture away without any explanation. Even when our mutual friend mentioned that I was disappointed about not being able to buy the pieces, our friend offered no response and just changed the subject.
Is it time to move on from this friendship?
—Disappointed and Confused in Michigan
Dear Disappointed: I’m not sure this situation warrants completely ending your friendship, but it certainly calls for a conversation. Ask your friend why he chose to give the furniture to his neighbor. There might be more to the story; perhaps the neighbor was going through a tough time and needed the furniture. You’ll never know the real reason unless you ask.
Dear Annie: My 27-year-old grandson has stopped speaking to both his mother and me. We used to have a very close relationship, but that changed about a month ago. He and his girlfriend, who is quite controlling, have four children together, all under the age of 4. Unfortunately, his girlfriend has started arguments with us on three separate occasions over the same issue, and each time it results in us being cut off from seeing the kids.
Recently, I was hospitalized for 10 days, and my daughter informed him that I was in the intensive care unit. I expected him to reach out to see how I was doing, but I never heard from him. I’ve texted and called him multiple times, trying to understand why he’s avoiding me, but he hasn’t responded. It’s gotten so bad that we didn’t even know they were expecting their fourth child until after the baby was born.
I’m heartbroken and confused about the sudden distance between us. I’m looking for answers on how to handle this situation and whether there’s any way to mend the relationship.
—Missing My Grandson
Dear Missing My Grandson: First of all, I’m glad to hear that you’re out of the ICU and on the road to recovery. In terms of your expectations for your grandson to check in on you more often, or give you more attention, the best approach may be to simply reach out to him directly. With four young children (congratulations on being a great-grandma!), he’s likely very busy but might actually appreciate hearing from you directly.
That being said, if you’ve made an effort to be there for him and your great-grandkids, and he continues to push you away, it’s possible that your instincts are correct—his wife may indeed be exerting control over him. The fact that she seems to pick fights with his family can sometimes be a red flag for narcissistic behavior.
Keep being kind and supportive to your grandson, but also try to accept that he’s probably overwhelmed with the demands of parenting four kids under the age of 4. It’s likely not personal, even though it may feel hurtful.
“How Can I Forgive My Cheating Partner?” is out now! Annie Lane’s second anthology — featuring favorite columns on marriage, infidelity, communication and reconciliation — is available as a paperback and e-book. Visit http://www.creatorspublishing.com for more information. Send your questions for Annie Lane to dearannie@creators.com.
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