Dear Annie: I enjoy your column, and I appreciate your perspective. I have a family member whom I have loved dearly and shared family tragedies with.
Over the years, he has become a severe alcoholic. I have had to create boundaries, namely not answering rambling phone conversations. I respond to long voice messages with texts. I express my love and give encouragement, but I do not want to be stuck on the phone; it goes nowhere and is forgotten.
He doesn’t live nearby, and we have not visited each other often. The last visit was five years ago; he came to our home, and because he needed a drink at breakfast, he left early.
I have recently found out he is very ill with cancer. I am torn about opening up a phone dialogue that might return to the past patterns of many drunken calls. I have loving memories of our younger years and our closeness, and how we got through tough times in those days. I know I am letting them down. I plan to write a letter, but I feel guilty keeping my boundary regarding phone conversations. Any thoughts or suggestions? I do not want any regrets.
—No Regrets
Dear No Regrets: Unfortunately, addiction can turn our loved ones into people we don’t recognize. Remember that the boundary you set was not an abandonment. Quite the opposite—it is what allowed you to keep this family member in your life for good, by protecting you from the sick, destructive version of him.
Definitely write a letter, and make it a good one. Share all of the loving memories you allude to in your letter to me. And tell him to give you a call—so long as he is sober.
“How Can I Forgive My Cheating Partner?” is out now! Annie Lane’s second anthology — featuring favorite columns on marriage, infidelity, communication and reconciliation — is available as a paperback and e-book. Visit http://www.creatorspublishing.com for more information. Send your questions for Annie Lane to dearannie@creators.com.
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