Dear Annie: I recently started planning a joint destination birthday celebration with a dear friend. There are a few other women invited to join us in celebrating a milestone birthday. We are very much looking forward to it and have been talking about it for a few years.
I booked the accommodation after all women agreed they could attend. The per person cost is not exorbitant; however, it could be a bit more than some are comfortable with. Since I booked it, I messaged the group and asked each person to reimburse me their share. But there have been a few who said things like, “Money is a little tight right now, can I send it next month?”
I have the funds and am willing to cover the entire cost of the accommodation for the group, because I just want to celebrate with these people and not cause them any financial hardship. I’m afraid they won’t take me up on this and will just fight me on it. I also feel bad I didn’t just offer this from the beginning. Is there something I can say to convince them to just let me treat them to the cost of the accommodation? They will still have to buy flights and meals and such, and I know it can be a lot to people in this economy and at their current stages of life.
Thanks for your advice.
— More Money More Problems
Dear More Money More Problems: Just tell them that you have decided to cover the cost of accommodations. People are allowed to change their minds, especially in an act of generosity. It is very nice of you to want to treat your friends, and I’m sure they will be grateful. Happy birthday, and I hope you all have a wonderful celebration.
Dear Annie: I wanted to share my response to the column in which the reader had called the doctor by her first name. I am a female physician myself and was surprised not only by the content of the original column but also, to a lesser degree, by your response. In all my years (nearly 20) of medical school, residency, fellowship, teaching residents as an attending physician, and my personal practice of medicine, I have never known of patients addressing their doctors as anything but “Dr. Last Name.” When I was a physician in training (i.e., resident or fellow), we always addressed our attending physicians as “Dr. Last Name,” and I never assumed that it was ever acceptable to use their first name.
Female physicians are in a unique and particularly frustrating — sexist? — position in which we are more likely to be addressed without our proper title by almost anyone. In my particular specialty, I interact frequently with law enforcement, attorneys, family members of my patients, laboratory personnel, etc. Quite frequently, my female colleagues and I are addressed by our first name only (gathered only through it being in our email address or part of our full names in the email signature, followed by “M.D.”) or “Ms. Last Name” at work.
Our male colleagues rarely, if ever, experience this, as they are always addressed with their title. Sadly, this is a common experience for female physicians in general, which has been previously studied and documented. We worked just as hard, if not harder, to earn that title, and when we are interacting with someone in our professional capacity as a physician, it’s simply disrespectful, unprofessional and very dismissive to ignore that title.
Being friends or neighbors with a physician doesn’t change the etiquette and consideration to any other doctor who is treating you in their professional capacity as a physician.
— Dr. With a Last Name
Dear Doctor: Thank you for taking the time to share your views with our readers. We will all profit from reading your letter and understanding your perspective, which is based on many years of dedication to helping patients. We salute you and agree that you should never be addressed by your first name by a patient unless you ask them to use your first name. You have earned the title of Doctor.
“How Can I Forgive My Cheating Partner?” is out now! Annie Lane’s second anthology — featuring favorite columns on marriage, infidelity, communication and reconciliation — is available as a paperback and e-book. Visit http://www.creatorspublishing.com for more information. Send your questions for Annie Lane to dearannie@creators.com.
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