Dear Annie: I am the middle child of a family that once was very close. We are all grown up now, and our parents have passed away. There were two girls and three boys in the family, and our ages range from 45 to 69.
I believe it is up to us to keep our family together, but I’m having a lot of trouble with my youngest brother.
One time recently, he stayed over at my house and slept on the pullout couch rather than in the bedroom because my son was visiting at the time — staying with his children — and they had the spare room. My brother complained that I treat my grandkids better than his children.
That was the reasoning he gave me. So I am no longer invited to anything the girls are in, including birthdays and Christmas parties at his house, but everyone else is. This is driving me crazy. I email him and ask to talk, but he doesn’t answer my calls. He lives three hours away. I don’t want to give up, but I just don’t know how to handle this. It hurts so much.
— Disappointed Sibling
Dear Sibling: Your brother is being unreasonable, but he feels wounded and protective of his own children. Start by telling him how much you love and care for him and his children. But if he remains cold and aloof, remind yourself that we can’t always get people to behave like we want them to, but we can control how we react to their actions. So continue to fill your cup with friends and family, including your other siblings, who make you feel good about yourself.
Dear Annie: Our 23-year-old granddaughter and her son live with my husband and me. Her boy is 3, and she moved into our house seven months before his birth.
We are 79 and 75, and neither one of us is in the best of health. Plus, we are on a fixed income. Yet we have completely supported them for three years.
Our granddaughter has worked on and off during that time, but she has never held a steady “career-oriented” job until recently. She has never seen one penny of child support. She never applied for any aid. She is deeply in debt for a car.
I want for her to be on her own, but because of the child, I can’t throw her out. I have tried tough love, threats, everything I can think of. Do you have any ideas?
— Ailing Grandma
Dear Ailing Grandma: You and your husband have been very generous with your granddaughter and great-grandson. Now that she has secured a steady, career-oriented job, offer her encouragement and praise. Focus on loving your great-grandson. He will only be a toddler for a short while, and you can have a very positive influence on his life.
Where is the boy’s father? You might help out by contacting a legal aid society that will track him down and force him to pay some child support. But the bigger picture is to talk to your granddaughter and explain how difficult it is for you and your husband to support them while you are on a fixed income.
Set a date for their independence, and do this in a spirit of love, not obligation. The more she sees the world from your point of view, the more helpful she will be in paying her own way.
“How Can I Forgive My Cheating Partner?” is out now! Annie Lane’s second anthology — featuring favorite columns on marriage, infidelity, communication and reconciliation — is available as a paperback and e-book. Visit http://www.creatorspublishing.com for more information. Send your questions for Annie Lane to dearannie@creators.com.
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