Dear Annie: I’ve been dating my boyfriend, “Tom,” for three years, and we recently moved in together. Things have been mostly great, but there’s one issue I’m struggling with. Tom spends a lot of time with his friends and usually doesn’t include me. He’ll go out with them several times a week, sometimes staying out late, while I’m left at home by myself waiting for him to return.
I’ve tried talking to him about it, but he insists that he needs his “guy time” and that it doesn’t mean he loves me any less. I understand the need for personal space, but I still feel sort of forgotten when he goes out all the time without me. I’ve suggested we find a balance where he can still see his friends but also spend quality time with me, but he brushes it off and says I’m being too clingy.
I love Tom and want our relationship to work, but I’m starting to resent his friends and even him for not making more of an effort to include me or spend time with me.
— Feeling Neglected
Dear Feeling Neglected: I understand how tough it can be to feel left out, especially when you’re sharing a home with someone.
Since talking directly hasn’t worked, try shifting the conversation a bit. Instead of saying, “You’re always with your friends,” frame it around your relationship goals. You could say something like, “I’d really love for us to have a date night once a week.”
You should also use the time he’s out to focus on your own hobbies or see your friends. This can help you feel less dependent on his schedule.
Dear Annie: I recently found out that my younger sister, “Jenna,” is planning to drop out of college. She’s always been a bright student, but she says she’s overwhelmed and doesn’t see the point in continuing. Our parents are devastated, and they’ve asked me to talk to her since we’re very close. I want to help her without pushing too hard or making her feel worse.
I’m worried that if I handle this wrong, it might damage our relationship. I want to support her, but I also believe that finishing her degree is important. How can I talk to her in a way that’s supportive without making her feel pressured and/or judged?
— Worried Sister
Dear Worried Sister: Have an open conversation with Jenna, letting her know that you’re there to listen, not to judge. Ask her to share what specifically is making her want to drop out. Sometimes, just talking about her struggles can help her see things more clearly. Avoid jumping in with solutions right away; let her get everything off her chest.
It might also be helpful to remind Jenna of her long-term goals and how her degree could play a role in achieving them. Sometimes, the immediate stress can cloud the bigger picture.
Lastly, reassure her that your relationship won’t change no matter what she decides. Let her know you support her, whether she stays in school or chooses a different path.
“How Can I Forgive My Cheating Partner?” is out now! Annie Lane’s second anthology — featuring favorite columns on marriage, infidelity, communication and reconciliation — is available as a paperback and e-book. Visit http://www.creatorspublishing.com for more information. Send your questions for Annie Lane to dearannie@creators.com.
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