Dear Annie: I’ve been married for 22 years, and my husband and I have three teenagers together. My issue is, I caught my husband cheating three years ago and found out that his affair had lasted six years. He claimed that he wasn’t getting his needs met at home. Nonetheless, it broke my heart and my trust.
I don’t know what I have to do to get past this. I even thought about or wished that someone could just knock it out of my brain. But triggers pop up everywhere. We can’t even watch a show together without someone having an affair, and it just triggers me and ruins the whole night. We continue to work on our marriage, as we both want it to work, but there are some days that I feel like I’m just being stupid and I should just leave.
We’ve tried couples counseling, and that didn’t work well. It just continued to bring up the past, and I didn’t want to. I’m not so sure if it’s the cheating that bothers me so much as the length of time he cheated on me, and how the heck did I not see it for that many years?
—Lost in NJ
Dear Lost: Trust takes years to build, seconds to break, and forever to repair.
Regaining your husband’s trust is difficult but possible, and unfortunately, it does require bringing up the past. Avoidance will not make you forget. With the help of a counselor, you need to face the trauma and betrayal you endured so that you can move forward once and for all.
Dear Annie: I have a friend in her late 30s who is pregnant with her second baby. We are not the closest of friends, but we’ve been friends for over 20 years. She recently shared the baby name she and her husband like the most so far. Unfortunately, in my family, there have been two babies who were given this specific name, and both were stillborn. You can imagine how unsettled I was when I learned she was considering it.
I’m not very superstitious, but I feel like it’s bad luck, and I can’t help but get chills every time I hear that name. Should I share this with her? Thank you for your advice.
—Haunted by a Name
Dear Haunted: Unless your friend asks you outright for your thoughts, keep your family’s history with this name to yourself. For your friend and her husband, it brings joy and excitement, and learning of your experience with it can only make them anxious and stressed, which isn’t good for any parent-to-be.
What happened in your family isn’t guaranteed to happen in theirs. Maybe their baby will be a new spark of positivity around this name for you.
“How Can I Forgive My Cheating Partner?” is out now! Annie Lane’s second anthology — featuring favorite columns on marriage, infidelity, communication and reconciliation — is available as a paperback and e-book. Visit http://www.creatorspublishing.com for more information. Send your questions for Annie Lane to dearannie@creators.com.
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