Dear Annie: I am disabled and use a mobility device and oxygen due to emphysema, which was caused by my 30 years of cigarette smoking. I quit before my diagnosis, but it was too late.
One of the biggest issues concerns questions or comments from others. When I hear ignorant remarks from adults, I consider the source and move on. But I’d like to add something to your information when it’s a child who wonders.
I always answer the child. Most recently, I shared a table at a Japanese restaurant with a family who had a daughter who looked to be 8 or 9 years old. When I left, I got onto my scooter, and the child asked me why I needed it.
I told her the truth: I had smoked when I was younger, and I ruined my lungs, so I can’t walk very far or for very long now. I tell that to children every time. If even one child remembers me and doesn’t smoke, it was worth it.
— Life With a Disability
Dear Life: Thank you so much for your beautiful letter. You are making rainbows out of clouds and saving lives. By continuing to use your own suffering to help others not suffer, you will live a life filled with joy and compassion. Thank you for that.
Dear Annie: I have been married for nearly three years. I am not happy, and I am pretty sure my wife isn’t either. Our communication is terrible, especially on my end because I tend to shut down when I am upset.
Marriage has not been fun for me. My wife is very insecure and jealous, and she doesn’t want me to have any female friends. I really just want out without breaking her or her 8-year-old son’s heart. How can I break it to her that I want a divorce?
A year ago, I mentioned divorce to her, but I took it back because I felt sorry when I saw her crying. I just want to move on with my life.
— Unhappy
Dear Unhappy: If you keep shutting down when you are upset rather than trying to have open communication with your wife, there is no hope for your marriage. Would it make sense to try family counseling so you could analyze your need for female friends and your wife’s jealousy issues? I would suggest that you try, if only to relieve your feelings of guilt.
However, if counseling does not work, then by setting yourself free, you will be setting her free. She doesn’t deserve to be married to a man who doesn’t want to be married to her. It may hurt her temporarily, but in the end, when she and her son find someone who really loves her and communicates with her, she will be much better off and glad you ended it. You can’t fit a square peg into a round hole, and right now, it sounds like you two don’t fit. But give family counseling a try before calling it quits. You may find the love and happiness that you both felt when you were married.
“How Can I Forgive My Cheating Partner?” is out now! Annie Lane’s second anthology — featuring favorite columns on marriage, infidelity, communication and reconciliation — is available as a paperback and e-book. Visit http://www.creatorspublishing.com for more information. Send your questions for Annie Lane to dearannie@creators.com.
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