Dear Abby: My wife and I have a daughter, “Liz,” who is our life. She’s 28 and a nurse. Her boyfriend, “Owen,” used to be a heavy cannabis user. My wife suspects he still uses it when he gets “stressed.” He is also a gambler.
We have tried to give Owen a chance. He had no place to stay, so he stays in our walk-in in-law apartment. My wife thinks he is disrespectful, but I think she overreacts because she doesn’t like him.
Owen has been going out with my daughter for four years now, and he says he is getting her a ring, but nothing transpires. Liz seems to love him, but my wife and I feel he’s not a good choice and is headed for trouble down the road.
I’m at my wit’s end and my wife is constantly stressed. I know you are going to say our daughter is 28 and an adult, etc., but this situation is different. What else can you offer?
— Strung Along In New York
Dear Strung Along: Have a “man-to-man” talk with Owen to ask directly what his plans are regarding his relationship with your daughter. He has lived with you (rent-free, I presume) for four years, and the ring he promised hasn’t materialized.
The living situation you have tolerated for so long hasn’t helped him move forward. (Could he have gambling debts?) While Liz may not like you doing it, explain to Owen that it’s time to find a place of his own. I’m hoping, as I suspect you are, that this may galvanize him to action — whether it’s to step up to the plate or head out the door.
Dear Abby: How do I ask my family to stop worrying about me? I was widowed three years ago after a 28-year relationship. My sisters and father panic if I don’t respond to their texts within 12 hours, always telling me they are “just worried.”
We live in different time zones, and I try to respect them by not responding after 9 or 10 p.m. They react with great worry when they don’t hear from me. I am a capable, self-aware adult, and I would like this to stop without hurting their feelings. I have told them this and they continue!
For example, I traveled one weekend and returned home after 10 p.m. my time, midnight their time, and they responded 12 hours later “HELLO??” when I didn’t respond to a text about whether I was home. This was air travel, not by car. When my father learned I had been out of town, he was hurt that he was not aware.
I appreciate their concern but do not feel I need to reassure them of my well-being. At the same time, I don’t want to push them away. Please advise.
— Doing Well In Nevada
Dear Doing Well: Clearly, you have been much too considerate. Here’s what you do: Regardless of the hour, answer their texts. LET them wake up at midnight or 1 a.m. to the “good news” that you have arrived home safely, and perhaps they’ll loosen up and stop worrying so much.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
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