Dear Abby: I enjoy helping my friends, my partner, and family members. I feel doing good deeds is important in my retirement. My hands are pretty full with getting my elderly dad to medical visits, and I also visit him three times a week. I also have older single friends I do things for, such as occasionally dropping off meals and running errands.
Lately, I have been asked to provide transportation to medical appointments for no less than three of these friends. One, in particular, is more of a friend of my partner. Nevertheless, she expects a lot of me. I feel taking care of my dad and my partner keeps me busy enough. I feel pressured by these other friends. If I say no to them, I feel guilty.
How do I gracefully bow out with these folks? One of them has implied I’m not a good friend if I don’t help them get to the doctor, sit with their dog, etc. She never seems to remember past good deeds and loves to start arguments with everyone (she only has one or two friends left). Any advice?
—Weary Man in Wisconsin
Dear Weary Man: For some folks, it’s only a short step from being a people-pleaser to being a doormat. You have been kind and helpful; now it’s time to start helping yourself. You shouldn’t feel guilty for saying no to entitled individuals. The woman you described is one of them, so don’t expect her to be grateful for the time and effort you have already given.
Developing the ability to say no is similar to weightlifting. Start small, work your way up, and in a short time, you will have developed the muscle. Try it. You’ll like it.
Dear Abby: My husband and I met on the debate team in high school. We would get into heated debates about every topic, and I think it was one of the things he loved most about me.
Fast-forward 14 years and a couple of children later, and I don’t have the fire in me to debate “oranges vs. strawberries” anymore. Every time I state a simple opinion, he tries to engage in a debate, but he goes from zero to 100 in a minute and forgets to listen to my opinion. I have taken to “letting him win” just to shut him up because I don’t want to hear it. He gets frustrated when I do this and always says that it’s what we used to do.
Abby, my priorities have changed. I’m calmer than I used to be, and most of my attention is focused on our kids. I’m tired of the constant arguing, but I know he enjoys it. Please help me find a common ground with my husband.
—No Fight Left in Me
Dear No Fight: Some couples enjoy contention as a form of foreplay. If you haven’t told your husband what you have related to me, it is important that you do. Since “debating” has been an established pattern in your marital relationship, you may need a licensed marriage and family therapist to help you get your message across, because your husband may have difficulty adjusting to the change in how you communicate.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O.Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
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