Dear Abby: After a lonely post-divorce decade, I have found a loving man whom I’ll call “Drew.” We share many of the same interests and values and are enjoying this second chance at love and romance. We spend time at each other’s homes, and my grown kids like having him around.
The challenge is the erratic and angry behavior of his 27-year-old son, “Adam,” who lives in the building my boyfriend owns and resides in. Adam was previously diagnosed with bipolar disorder. Drew now says the diagnosis was inaccurate, and Adam is learning how to deal with his emotions without heavy medication.
Abby, Adam has never held a job and manages only one junior college class a semester in his quest to enter a four-year university. The balance of his time is spent gaming with online friends and complaining about neighbors who rent in the building. I have witnessed his disturbing and angry behavior and have made clear I will remove myself from the drama should things get heated in my presence.
What I’m struggling with is the passive way Drew is managing Adam’s bullying and negative behavior. When Adam acts out, Drew is often sworn at, derided, manipulated, and disrespected. The co-dependence and enabling in this father-son relationship prevent any chance of Adam attaining an independent life.
Drew becomes very defensive when I speak about his son, and there is rarely agreement about how to handle a particular outburst. I’m not sure I can manage a future with him if his son comes as a package deal. Should I stay or should I go?
—Sees Writing on the Wall
Dear Sees Writing: Face it — Drew’s mentally challenged son is part of a package deal. Your boyfriend has no intention of changing the dynamic between him and Adam because, unpleasant as it sometimes is, he won’t shoulder the responsibility of being tough enough on him to assign him more responsibility and less gaming time. How sad for all three of you. If you are satisfied with the status quo, you should stay. However, if you would like to be married and move in with Drew, I don’t think it’s in the cards, and you should step out of the picture.
Dear Abby: I really like this guy. He makes me so happy. He told me he is attracted to me, but he doesn’t want a relationship with me. When we spend time together, we always have a great time. When I reach out to him, he doesn’t always respond right away, but he treats me wonderfully when he does. I really want us to date — not have a “relationship,” just date. How can I tell him that?
—Falling Hard for Him
Dear Falling Hard: This guy may have the same thing in mind as you do. There may be reasons you should be aware of as to why he doesn’t always respond to you in a timely fashion. He may need to concentrate on school, his job, or another girlfriend. It would be in your best interests to know why. Since you would be willing to date him under the circumstances you described, speak up, and see how he reacts.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O.Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
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