Dear Abby: My boyfriend’s mom has dementia. He asked me and my kids to move in with him and said he would marry me. In exchange, he expected me to quit my job and take care of his mom. I felt it was a disaster waiting to happen, and taking care of someone with dementia while raising two teenagers was a terrible idea, so I refused.
He put his mother in a nursing home, and now I am no longer treated the same by him. The woman is abusive. She hits and bites and isn’t easy to deal with. Living with her would have destroyed our relationship and been stressful for my children. My boyfriend isn’t the easiest guy to open up to. I’m sad and don’t know what to do.
— Too much to handle
Dear Too much: When your boyfriend proposed marriage, it wasn’t because he loved you. He was looking for an easy solution (for him) to his mother problem. To expect you to quit your job and sacrifice your retirement benefits was nervy. You are not trained to care for a violent dementia patient. He treats you differently because he’s angry you didn’t go along with his plans for you. What you should do now is move on, because his resentment is unlikely to diminish.
Dear Abby: For the entirety of our relationship, my wife has never listened to me. It’s literally the only thing I’ve ever asked her to do. She constantly tells me I have nothing worthwhile to say, without ever actually letting me finish a sentence.
My mother is coming into some money and offered me a sizable sum, provided I don’t tell my wife. I’m seriously considering “taking the money and running.” I can no longer deal with the constant emotional abuse. My wife treats her children the same way, and it’s disgusting to me. What should I do?
— Tempted in Canada
Dear Tempted: If things are as bad as you have described, talk to an attorney and legally declare your independence. After that’s done, take your mother up on her generous offer.
Dear Abby: When I married in 1974, my mother had one of my wedding photos of me in my wedding dress and holding my bouquet. It was lovely, and she had it made up into a large 36-inch-by-26-inch portrait with a beautiful frame. It hung in my old bedroom until she passed away. I have had it in a closet in my house ever since.
I’ve asked my daughter and son if they would like to have it, and they don’t. I’m wondering if I should throw it away or leave it up to them when I’m gone. Because we have always had a loving relationship, I don’t want either of them to feel bad about disposing of it.
— Picturing the future
Dear Picturing: You must be sentimental about that portrait, or you wouldn’t have kept it all these years. Because of that, I don’t think you should toss it. After you are gone, your daughter or son may change their mind about having it. Let them decide when the time comes.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O.Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
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