DEAR ABBY: I’ve been seeing “Pete” for eight months. He has been divorced for the last 15 years. He has two grown children and five grandchildren with his ex-wife, “Linda,” who is still a significant person in Pete’s life. They text throughout the day and enjoy doing things with Linda’s husband.
Pete is having major surgery soon. He has informed me that his daughter and Linda are going to be at the hospital, and there are only two guests per patient allowed. I have tried to explain to him that I’m uncomfortable with Linda being such an important person in his life and hurt that he doesn’t include me in their outings. He turns it around and asks me what I want him to do about it. He says it’s my problem, not his.
I care for Pete, but I am getting fed up. Do I throw in the towel or stick it out, hoping he’ll see my side of the situation?
— INSIGNIFICANT IN THE MIDWEST
DEAR INSIGNIFICANT: Because Pete thinks accepting his priorities is your problem, not his, it is unlikely he will EVER accept your point of view. The problem appears to be that he doesn’t consider you to be a couple, and because he doesn’t, his family doesn’t. You should have been included in those “outings” with Linda and her husband by now.
Nowhere in your letter did you mention any of the sweet, thoughtful, caring things Pete does for you. Because of that, and because (after eight months) he hasn’t managed to create a slot on his hospital visitors list, it may, indeed, be time to throw in the towel.
DEAR ABBY: My adult daughters often ask me to watch the grandchildren. One daughter lives two hours away, the other here in my town. I don’t mind weekends and days off, but the local one has now asked me to stay at her house on Sunday nights and help her with the baby in the morning.
I work full time in an extremely demanding job, which she insists is “simple.” When I get up in the morning, I have to get ready for work, eat breakfast and start at 8 a.m. Her request that I stay on a Sunday night turned into me feeding the baby in the morning, so I told her it’s too much on workdays. Now she’s angry with me, and I am very depressed about it.
I am 68. I went back to work at the age of 60 because a change in my husband’s industry cut his income severely. She can’t seem to understand why this is too much for me. As for me, I can’t understand why she would expect this of me on a workday. My job requires me to leave what I’m doing at times and travel immediately to handle an issue. Please advise.
— IN DEMAND IN ALABAMA
DEAR IN DEMAND: Taking care of a small child is a favor; it is not mandatory, even if the child is a grandchild. Your only mistake was in agreeing to stay over on a Sunday night rather than get a good rest in your own bed to prepare for the workweek. At your age, you must protect your health. That’s why it’s so important you stop allowing your daughter to make you feel guilty about putting a stop to the Sunday night sleepovers.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O.Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
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