Dear Abby: I’m a woman in my early 20s, and I have been dating my man for two years. I love him dearly and want to spend the rest of my life with him. He plans to propose before the end of the year, and we plan to be married next year.
Sex with him is fabulous. However, I have a very active libido (probably similar to that of a teenage boy), and I’d be good with having sex every morning, day and night. He, on the other hand, is good with once a week, if that. I feel deprived and sad. We have discussed this, and he claims he knows he needs to improve, but there has been no change.
I don’t know if I want to say “I do” if this is what marriage to him will be like. I am afraid of him proposing now because I’m not sure I can marry him if he’s not into sex as much as I am. Sex is an extremely important activity in my life. I had amazing sex with a previous boyfriend and have actually contemplated reaching out to him. (I wouldn’t cheat.)
Must I settle? I don’t want to miss out on having sex as often as I want it. It doesn’t feel fair to me. I don’t want to end the relationship because he’s everything else I want. He’s a good man, loving, generous, kind, thoughtful, funny, intelligent, a great conversationalist, fun, adventurous, but with almost no sex drive. Can you offer any insight?
—Miserable in Mississippi
Dear Miserable: You are young and, I assume, there isn’t a great age difference between you and your boyfriend. When this otherwise ideal man pops the question, your response should be that before you accept his proposal, you want the two of you to have premarital counseling. During some of those sessions, bring up the disparity in your sex drives. There may be more than one way to solve your problem. Discuss this with a licensed sex therapist who can help you explore how you can be more satisfied without your boyfriend feeling “forced to perform.”
Dear Abby: I became a grandmother 20 years ago. My first grandchild was biracial, and I suspect that’s the reason my best friend, “Dori,” never acknowledged her. When I sent her photos by mail a few times, they went unacknowledged.
Now, 20 years later, Dori has finally become a grandmother through adoption. Although I am happy for her, it stings that my four grandchildren were ignored. I have sent generous baby gifts. How do I move past my resentment without making a fuss? I don’t want my grandchildren to ever meet her, as I feel any interest would be idle curiosity and not sincere. Dori has never even asked me their names.
—Bitter in California
Dear Bitter: Why do you refer to this woman as a “best friend”? From what you have written, Dori stopped being your friend 20 years ago. You were thoughtful to have sent her grandchild “generous gifts” (or any gift at all). As I see it, there is more than one way to deal with this situation. The first would be to air your feelings to Dori. The second is to continue living your life without her in a starring role.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O.Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
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